


Without Her

by waddiwasiwitch



Series: With and Without [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2018-08-27 05:37:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8389282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waddiwasiwitch/pseuds/waddiwasiwitch
Summary: Roy and Riza finally have everything they wanted, but never thought they could have.Then tragedy strikes. Roy has to learn how to muddle through when he loses Riza and is left to raise their little daughter on his own.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s notes: Warnings for major character death, blood and death in childbirth. I won’t be going into detail, but at the same time I don’t wish to upset anyone, so please heed the warnings. The warnings will only apply for the first three chapters. This is pretty much an exercise in pain. Tissues May Be Required. This particular story will be about grief and Roy learning to cope.  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing of course.
> 
> _dedicated to my RL Sonya, and also to the very kind @sapphiredragonprincess and @tea-withjamandbread on Tumblr for all the encouragement of this series. Thank you!_
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Roy and Riza are finally getting the life together they always dreamed of, but then tragedy strikes.

**Without Her**

**Prologue**

“Roy! Roy!”  
Roy opened his eyes to see Riza was shaking him awake. He knew something was wrong by the terrified look in her eyes and the tears streaming down her face.  
He sat up in the bed. “What’s wrong?”  
“I’m bleeding, Roy.”  
Roy flung the bed clothes back spotting a small pool of blood under Riza as he did so. He was terrified, but he had to take charge. She had not moved and he put her hands on his shoulder.  
“It’s going to be okay.” He looked in her eyes. “I’m going to get you to the hospital. There’s no point calling an ambulance, I’ll get you there quicker.”  
He pulled on his trousers and grabbed a shirt. He didn’t bother tying it and carried a trembling Riza down the stairs and to the car. Hayate whimpered as they passed like he could sense what was happened.  
Roy opened the front door and bundled her inside.  
It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.  
When he was about to close the door, she grabbed his arm, “I think I’m losing our baby.”  
“No - you’re not,” he said fiercely. “Everything will be fine.”  
“Don’t make promises what you can’t keep,” she whispered, “I don’t need General Mustang right now, I need Roy.”  
“Riza …”  
“I’m so scared, Roy.”  
He crouched down and kissed her hard on the lips.  
“I’m terrified too,” he said and pulled away abruptly. “We have to get to the hospital. It’s not far away and that the roads will be quiet as it was in the early hours of the morning.” He took a deep, steadying breath and started the engine. Riza cried out in pain suddenly.  
“Riza!”  
“Just get us to the hospital,” she said, her desperate eyes meeting his. 

*****************

Roy thought he would feel like things were finally under control once he carried her into the hospital. The staff had taken her from him and were leading her down the corridor. She gripped his hand tightly as he ran alongside the gurney. A sandy haired doctor was muttering instructions on the other side while the nurses pushed the trolley.  
“She’s losing a lot of blood, Doctor,” said one of the nurses.  
Riza was getting increasingly paler. Roy had tried to ignore the growing amount of blood she was losing during their journey to the hospital. He was starting to realise that it wasn’t just the baby he could lose. Fear gripped at his chest tearing at his insides.  
“Hurry,” urged the doctor as if hearing his thoughts. “We’ll lose them both if we don’t get to the theatre soon.”  
“Roy,” Riza whispered, “if anything happens to me, promise me you’ll look after each other.”  
“No, don’t talk like that! You’re not going to die. You hear me!”.  
Her eyelids drooped a little. “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t you dare give up!”  
The double doors of the operating theatre were up ahead at last.  
“Sir, we have to ask you to stay outside,” said the doctor.  
Roy ignored them and spoke only to his wife. “I’m not leaving you.”  
“Roy, you heard them,” she said, “you need to leave them do their job.”  
“Please sir,” the doctor said. “Please you have to let her hand go.”  
“It’s okay.” Riza forced a smile. “I love you Roy.”  
He felt her hand go limp in his and her eyes closed.  
“No!”  
Two of the nurses chivvied him away from the gurney without much resistance. His head spun as he stood in the middle of the corridor. He didn’t even notice the nurses leaving him and heading to theatre.  
_No! No! This can’t be happening._  
Spots danced in front of his eyes and his legs began to give way. He fumbled his way to the nearest chair on other side just facing the theatre doors.  
_Useless. I can’t lose them._  
All he could do wait and hope the doctors could do their job.  
Riza you have to be alright.  
“Is there anyone that we can call for you, sir?”  
A nurse was standing beside him. She must have come from the other direction. He shook his head, the movement making him nauseated.  
“Are you sure? You shouldn’t be here alone.”  
His fingers shook as he checked the time on his pocket watch. It was 6am. It was a little early but not too early. “Actually, could you call my aunt? Do you have a pen and paper?”  
The nurse reached into her pockets and took out a notebook and pencil. She handed them to him with a small smile. He scribbled his aunt’s name and number, careful to write her real name rather than her pseudonym. The use of her given name would indicate the seriousness of the situation.  
“And who will I say is looking for her? I didn’t catch your name.”  
“Roy. I’m Roy Mustang.”  
The nurse widened for a moment, but she say anything. She inclined her head and disappeared down the corridor. Roy put his head in his hands and closed his eyes tightly. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. He wiped at them viciously.  
_No, I’m not going to cry. She’s going to be fine._  
Riza was on the other side of the wall and he was not able to do anything to help her.  
_It will be okay. She’s strong. She’s Riza._  
He tried to ignore Riza’s earlier words. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, she had said.  
He squeezed his eyes shut. The best medical staff were in attendance at this hospital. He had to put his faith in them, in her.

To be continued… 

*****************


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

Chris rushed down the corridor and saw the desperate looking figure of her nephew with his head in his hands.  
“Roy-boy!”  
He turned and looked at her. “She was bleeding badly.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I could lose them both.”  
He stood up and she embraced him. “Your girl is made of strong stuff. She’ll fight for you.”  
“She’s always fighting for me,” he murmured.  
“Chin up, Roy.” She pulled back enough to look into his eyes. “Mustang women never give up.”  
He inclined his head and took a deep breath.  
“The state of you,” she said shaking her head. His eyes were red-rimmed and his hair was sticking up. “If Riza got a look at you now, she would be disgusted.”  
She got a weak smile in return.  
Chris took his hands in hers. “Come on, sit, and tell me what happened.”  
“She woke me, and she told me she was bleeding.” Roy shut his eyes. “I rushed her here as fast as I could. There was so much blood.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “She … she lost consciousness just before they got her into operating theatre.”  
Chris squeezed his hands. “Oh Roy.”  
He opened his eyes slowly. “I can’t bear just waiting and not being able to do anything.” He stared at the door of the theatre. “Useless.” He clenched his fists.  
“Why don’t we go and get some coffee? The cafe is just down the corridor.”  
“I’m not leaving here. What if something happens?”  
“You’re going to collapse if you don’t take care of yourself, Roy.”  
He glared at her, but she met his gaze with the same fire. “Fine, but I’m going to get you some and you’re going to drink it.”  
He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I could use it.”  
She put her hand in his shoulder. “Will you be alright on your own?”  
He nodded.

*****************

  
Roy turned his wedding band around and around on his finger. The words “forever and always” were inscribed on the inside of their matching wedding bands.  
They were married just over five years. Three of those five years were spent desperately hoping to conceive. They had almost given up on it succeeding. When Riza had finally gotten pregnant, he thought he was going to burst with joy. They kept it secret for the first trimester in case anything would go wrong. She was older than most first time mothers, and they had been warned of possible complications, but everything had gone well. Until now that was.  
Til death do us part.  
_Stop. She’s not going to die._  
“Here you go, Roy.”  
Roy turned around and Chris pressed the coffee cup into his hand.  
“Thanks,” Roy said, “I didn’t hear you come back.”  
“Any news?”  
“No,” he said.  
She dropped a brown paper parcel on his lap. “I brought you a sandwich too.”  
“I don’t think I can eat.”  
“It’s there if you change your mind.”  
Roy took a sip from his coffee cup. He savoured the taste of the strong unsweetened coffee.  
“It’s good,” he said. He turned to look at his aunt. “Thank you for being here.”  
“You don’t need to thank me, you foolish man.”  
The sound of the theatre door opening caused the hairs on the back of Roy’s neck to rise. The doctor exited the room with a sombre expression. Roy stood up, knocking the sandwich to the ground as he did so.  
“General Mustang, I am told.”  
Roy nodded dumbly, and Chris stood up next to him giving him her quiet strength.  
“The good news is that you have a lovely, baby daughter,” said the doctor. “She’s a little small, but she’s healthy. Still, we want to keep a close eye on her over next 48 hours.”  
“I’m a father.” Roy took a deep breath feeling some of tension leave his body. “And Riza? How is Riza?”  
The doctor’s forehead was furrowed. “Unfortunately, your wife is still bleeding heavily. We’re doing the very best we can to save her, but we need to warn you that you need to prepare yourself.”  
“No!” Roy shook his head and stepped backward. Chris put her arm around him.  
How dare this doctor stand there and tell me to prepare myself?  
He balled his fists. “She can’t die. I won’t accept that! If you can’t save her yourself, then get someone who can.”  
“I’m sorry, General.” The doctor looked him right in the eye. “I promise you we will do absolutely everything within our power to save her.”  
Roy couldn’t process what the doctor was saying. Chris tightened her grip on his shoulder.  
“Thank you, Doctor,” said Chris.  
The doctor inclined his head. “I have to go back inside. A nurse will bring your daughter to see you once she has been fully examined and cleaned up.”  
He turned and left them alone in the corridor. Chris led him back to the their chairs.  
“This isn’t happening,” he whispered. “Tell me this isn’t happening.”  
“I wish I could Roy-boy.”  
“At least, the baby is alright.”   
Chris smiled sadly. “Your little girl.”  
“I’m a father.” Roy said. “It should be the happiest day of my life, but I-”  
She rubbed circles on his back. “Hey now, Riza’s still in there fighting.”  
“I know, but I’m terrified. I’m afraid I’m going to lose her. I need her, Chris!"

To be continued…


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mixture of emotions.

Chapter Two

 

Chris didn't know what to do for her nephew, so she just sat beside him in silence. He looked straight ahead, his lips moving as if he was reciting a silent prayer.

 

Roy wasn't crying or even speaking now; he had shut down completely since the doctor had told him of Riza’s condition deteriorating.

 

How will he cope if she doesn't pull through?

 

Chris knew Riza had seen him at his best and worst, pulling him through the loss of his best friend. She was sure that there was a lot more she don't know about. 

 

Riza was such a kind woman once you looked beneath her reserved demeanour. It was part of why they worked so well as a couple. Roy wore his heart on his sleeve, and Riza protected it. He teased, provoked her and made her smile; she was less reserved with him. 

 

Riza’s reserve was probably one of reasons it took Chris a while to warm to Riza. It wasn't that she didn't like her, but she knew her nephew and could tell he had fallen hard for her and she worried he would get his heart broken. Of all the women in the world, he had to fall for the one woman he couldn't have without endangering his career.

 

Chris remembered Riza’s tears of joy and relief when she and Roy announced the pregnancy. She had not known they were trying or struggling to conceive, but in that moment Riza had laid herself bare to Chris for the first time. She knew that Riza would be an incredible mother. She remembered thinking that their kid was going to be so lucky with such loving parents.

 

And now …

 

Poor Roy boy.

 

She turned to look at Roy, but his eyes were glazed over and she was sure he wasn't looking at anything in particular. His fingers shook around the coffee cup he was holding. 

 

“The coffee must be cold,” she said. 

 

He didn't hear her or simply ignored her, but he showed no sign of drinking it or throwing it away.

 

Chris turned her own gaze to the theatre door. The expression on the doctor’s face had scared her. The set of his jaw had been grim and his words far from reassuring. She had been so happy when Roy and Riza gave up pretending that they were just friends. She remembered Roy's letters from the Hawkeye’s home telling her about the alchemist's daughter and how they had become fast friends. Even back then she had wondered if anything would come of it. It took such a long time for that to happen, but anyone with eyes could see how madly they loved one another. 

 

After all their hardship, couldn't life just give them a break? They have been through too much. Please let them have this.

 

The door to the theatre opened and Roy stood up so quickly he felt faint. He blinked as a nurse walked out with a bundle cradled in her arms. 

 

“Would you like to meet your daughter, General Mustang?”

 

Roy’s breath caught in his throat as he stared at the little baby wrapped in a blanket. He blinked again and took a step forward.

 

“My daughter,” he stuttered.

 

The nurse inclined her head. “Yes, your daughter. She has a strong set of lungs you’ll be glad to her.”

 

He stepped forward again slowly unto, he was standing right in front of the nurse. 

 

Chris put her hand on his arm. “She’s a fighter just like her parents!”

 

Roy’s eyes widened as he looked down into the bundle of blankets at the little scrunched up face with a smattering of black hair. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Two tiny little hands poked out of the top of the blanket. 

 

“Mine,” he managed despite the growing lump in his throat.

 

Our daughter? Riza she’s beautiful.

 

He couldn't tear his eyes away from her; he feared it would break the spell.

 

Chris slapped him on the back. “Oh Roy, look at her! What a beaut!”

 

Oh Riza, we did good. You better get through this. 

 

“Put out your arms,” the nurse said and smiled at him. “I'm sure you would like to hold her.”

 

But she's so small! 

 

He waved his hands. “Uh - but what if I drop her?”

 

“You won't,” said the nurse. “I'll show you the correct way to hold her.”

 

“I could hurt her.” Roy turned to Chris. “I mean look at her. She's so tiny.”

 

Chris patted his arm. “They're not porcelain, Roy-boy. Babies are a lot hardier than you give them credit for. And this one has been through a lot already. Let her meet her Daddy properly.”

 

Roy gingerly held out his arms and the nurse placed his daughter in his arms. The little girl screwed up her face. 

 

“Oh no - she's going to cry.”

 

He held his breath, but she didn't cry.

 

“Make sure you support her head.” The nurse adjusted his hold slightly. “See, she’s very comfortable now.”

 

He looked down into her little face. We really made this! 

 

“Hello there,” he said gently. “It's nice to meet you at least. I'm your Daddy.”

 

“See how content she is.” His aunt looked over his shoulder. “She recognises your voice.” 

 

Roy furrowed his brow. “You think?”

 

“Absolutely,” said the nurse. 

 

He walked back to his chair and sat down. Chris was muttering something in the nurse’s ear. The nurse inclined her head. 

 

Chris looked over to her nephew. “Will you be okay for a few minutes? I think someone should call Riza’s grandfather and let him know what's going on.”

 

“Yeah,” Roy muttered. “Of course, he needs to know.”

 

Chris’ eyes were apologetic before she turned and followed the nurse down the hall. 

 

Roy’s attention returned to his daughter - her tiny lips, chubby cheeks and perfect little fingers and toes. The overwhelming joy he was feeling was tempered by the worry gnawing at his stomach. 

 

This was not right. Riza should be here beside him, not fighting for her life on the other side of the door. 

 

“How is our new father doing?”

 

He looked up to see nurse had returned without his aunt. She must have shown Chris to a phone.

 

“I don't know,” he said truthfully. “It's all just too much to take in.”

 

Roy looked up again when the nurse sat down beside him. “Did Chris ask you to keep an eye on me?”

 

“She's worried about you, General.”

 

“Tell me in all seriousness, will she make it?”

 

“I'm sorry, General. It's touch and go. We really don't know, but there are some of my best doctors in there with your wife.”

 

A tear ran down his cheek. “Thank you, Nurse - uh.”

 

“Nurse Fennell.”

 

“I appreciate your honesty.”

 

“Ah -your Aunt is back.” The nurse stood up and Chris came into view. “I'll let you have privacy. I'll be back in a few minutes.”

 

Chris took the nurse’s seat. “I told him I would keep him updated.”

 

Roy took a deep breath and nodded.

 

“She looks like you.” Chris leaned forward and tilted her head. “That messy head of hair. But she's got her mother’s nose don't you think?”

 

Roy made a noise, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “She got lucky there.”

 

“Now, let me have a cuddle with my new granddaughter.” 

 

Chris held out her arms and Roy carefully placed the little girl in her arms. 

 

“Roy boy, keep that chin up.”

 

“It's hard,” he replied. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “I can't help but wonder if we’re being punished for all those things we did.” His voice broke a little on the last word.

 

But if one of us has to be taken why can't it be me?

 

Chris squeezed his shoulder, but thankfully remained silent.

 

He shook his head. “How can two damaged people like us make something so beautiful?”

 

“Despite everything that happened to you, you're still standing. That makes you strong!”

 

There was a cough from the right and their heads turned. The nurse smiled at them.

 

“We have to take her to the ward now,” the nurse said gently to Roy. “She's exhausted. Would you like to come and settle her in?”

 

He was torn; he didn't want to be apart from his daughter, but he couldn't leave Riza. What if something happened? He looked at the door again and turned back to the nurse.

 

“I can't,” Roy said. “I need to be here… in case anything happens.”

 

“Are you sure you don't want to come?” The nurse took the baby from Chris. “We’ll let you know right away if there is any news.”

 

Roy shook his head. “I can't. Not now.”

 

“It's okay, Roy boy,” Chris said gruffly.

 

Roy watched the nurse walk down the corridor. He hoped the next time he would see his little girl, it would be with a lighter heart. Chris put an arm around his shoulder and gave him a squeeze. He leaned into her embrace taking whatever comfort he could.

 

Suddenly, the door of the theatre creaked open. The doctor from earlier approached them, a solemn expression on his face. Roy’s stomach lurched.

 

“I'm sorry, General Mustang, I'm afraid we were unable to save your wife.”

 

To be continued...


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy's world crashes around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to Sonya.

**Chapter Three**

 

“What are you saying?” Roy shook his head. “She can't be -”

 

“General, I'm very sorry for your loss.”

 

Roy took a ragged breath and turned away shaking his head. He rubbed at his jaw. 

 

_No - this isn't happening._

 

The doctor was still talking but it all washed over him.

 

_It must be a mistake. Women have children all the time._

 

There was a weakness in his knees and staggered towards a chair. Head in his hands, he closed his eyes.

 

“Roy-boy!” 

 

His aunt was at his side, her hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes slowly and met hers. He couldn't bear the pity he found there. 

 

Roy turned his gaze back to the doctor instead. “I have to see her. Please let me see her.”

 

The doctor inclined his head. “Of course, but you have to wait until we’ve cleaned her up a little. We’ll move her into a private room. Give you some time to say goodbye.”

 

“I don't want to wait.” Roy was on his feet without realising it. “l wager I saw much worse things in Ishbal.”

 

“It's not the same thing, General. You don't want to remember your wife that way.”

 

Roy balled his fists, his nails digging into the palms of his hands. .

 

“It's my wife in there. Don't tell me how I should remember her.”

 

Chris put her hand on his arm. “Calm down, Roy. He's right.”

 

“I don't care what you both!” Roy's voice rose. “I need to see my wife. He's telling me she's gone, and I won't believe it until I see it with my own eyes.”

 

“Roy, calm yourself!” His aunt’s tone was firm but not unkind. “Listen to him. It's not a good idea.”

 

Roy didn't want to calm down. He wanted to scream and shout. Anything to not have to deal with the other emotions that clawed in his chest. Having someone to be angry at was easier than dealing with the knot in his stomach. He pulled away from Chris and around the doctor.

 

“Just a minute, General. You can't go in there!”

 

The doctor was quicker than Roy anticipated and got between him and the door. 

 

“I'm going to see my wife,” Roy roared. “Get the fuck out of my way!”

 

“I see your mind is already made up.” He nodded and jerked his head towards the double doors. “You can step into the outer room, but you can't go into the theatre proper.”

 

The doctor opened the door. “This is where we clean up before we go into surgery.”

 

Roy and Chris followed the doctor inside, 

 

The room they stepped into had a glass pane between it and the surgical area. A figure was visible in the next room, a blue plastic sheet blocking the view.

 

Roy’s fingers trembled. “Is that her?”

 

The doctor nodded. “General, I know you're upset, but this is highly irregular and could cause me to lose my job.”

 

“I just need to see her face. Please!”

 

The doctor let out a sigh. “Stay here - I'm going to go inside for a moment.”

 

Roy stepped closer to the pane. Riza. His eyes were stinging as he blinked tears away. This is a mistake. It's not her.

 

“Roy-boy?” Chris asked.

 

He didn't answer, his eyes on the doctor’s every movement. He wondered for a fleeting moment what the man’s name was, but he had paid little attention before. 

 

_Let him see she's struggling for breath. Or maybe it's someone else and Riza’s with our baby right now._

 

The doctor was at the figure’s side and Roy watched as the doctor lifted the sheet to reveal a face - a face he didn't want to see. 

 

Her face was pale and devoid of life, her sparkling eyes were closed. But there was no mistake.

 

“No, not my Riza,” he whispered.

 

Roy had studied Riza in many different types of slumber. Never like this. So still.

 

He turned to Chris, his vision blurring from the tears in his eyes. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tight.

 

“It's okay, kiddo. You can let it go. I'll catch you.”

 

Her word were echoes what she used to say to him as a kid in the throes of grief after losing his parents all those years ago. 

 

“No, it can't be true,” Roy said, his voice hoarse. “Tell me it's a nightmare. Please tell me it's not real.”

 

“I'm sorry, Roy-boy. I'm so sorry.”

 

He couldn't hold back the tears any longer and he succumbed to the quiet and steadfast comfort his aunt offered. He trembled in her embrace, his whole body reverberating with his sobs. She rubbed his back in soothing circles and buried his face in her shoulder. He could feel the cloth getting wet with his tears underneath him. 

 

He took a steadying breath and pulled back from her embrace. “I'm sorry I'm ruining your sweater.”

 

“Pfft - what’s a little snot and tears.”

 

He sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. “I suppose that is something I will have to get used to.”

 

“Roy,” she said softly. “Come on now. We should let these people get on with their job.”

 

Still, Roy remained rooted to the spot. “But Riza?”

 

“They’ll take good care of her, or they will have to answer to me.”

 

Roy nodded dumbly and finally allowed Chris to lead him out into the hall. 

 

It didn't feel real. Even his limbs felt alien to him. His movements were languid. All his energy was sapped away. If it wasn't for Chris supporting him, he might have collapsed. It was taking all of his strength not to break down again.

 

 

Roy didn't know how long he sat there in silence. Chris, as always, seemed to sense his need for silence. He could not bring himself to look at her - see the pity in her eyes. It made it more real somehow. And he didn't want it to be real.

 

_Can I wake up now?_

 

Riza had come through so many dangerous situations in her life. They both had.

 

The image of her pale face was burnt into his mind. Eyes opened or closed, he could not rid himself of the image. 

 

“Roy! Stop it! Your hands …”

 

It was only then he realised he had subconsciously been rubbing his finger and thumb together. 

 

Chris grabbed his hands and stilled them. “Your skin is red. You'll hurt yourself.”

 

“Yeah,” he muttered. 

 

This is nothing compared to the hole in my chest.

 

“Roy, I know how awful this is,” she said. “Just remember no matter how you feel, you have a little girl that's going to need you.”

 

_My daughter._

 

He rubbed at his watery eyes with the palms of his hands. “What sort of father I am?” 

 

“I didn't mean it that way, Roy-boy. You have to grieve.”

 

“I know.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Someone needs to tell Grumman. Can you go?”

 

“But Roy,” said Chris. “I don't like leaving you on your own.”

 

“He has a right to know, and I don't think I can. Besides I need to alone for a little while”

 

Chris’ lips thinned, but she inclined her head. “I won't be long, Roy.”

 

Roy watched her turn the corner before he let himself break down. He stopped fighting the tears. He cried for Riza, for their motherless newborn daughter and for the life that was stolen from them.

 

The tears tasted hot and salty on his lips. He tried to wipe them away. 

 

"What do you want from me?"

 

He didn't even know who was talking to. He was a scientist; he didn't believe in a god.

 

He cried until his eyes stung, lungs burned and chest ached,

 

_Roy, if anything happens to me, promise me you’ll look after each other._

 

_I promise I will, Riza._

 

 

 

Chris wrung her hands. She didn't like feeling useless, out of her depth. Roy was in shock. That much was clear. He paid no attention as Chris took charge and asked a passing nurse to bring a hot drink and to check on the baby. Seeing his little girl might be just what he needed.

 

The nurse returned with a cup of steaming tea. “I'm sorry it's not something stronger. Poor man.”

 

Chris nodded and took the cup.. “She was his moon and stars.” She swallowed the lump in her throat.

 

“Your grandniece is doing really well. I'll come back and take you there shortly. She is being looked over by the doctor at the moment.”

 

Chris’ eyes widened.

 

“No need to worry,” said the nurse quickly. “It's just a precaution, standard procedure for a child born prematurely.”

 

“Thank you,” Chris replied.

 

She turned around and looked over at Roy. He was staring into space. She could tell from the redness around her nephew’s eyes that he had been crying while she had called Grumman. She put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

 

Poor kid doesn't know where he's at.

 

Chris pressed a cup into his hand. “Drink this!”

 

He took the cup, but didn't take a sip. “This should be one of the best days of my life, but it's the worst.” He shook his head. “Lost a wife and gained a daughter. All in one day.”

 

“I'm not going to lie to you, Roy-boy. It's going to be rough, but you're strong.”

 

“I don't feel strong. How am I going to do this without her. Without Riza.”

 

“You’ll find a way. I know it hurts, but you're all that little girl has right now.”

 

“Why?” He sat up straight. “Are you going to abandon us?”

 

“I'm glad to see you haven't lost your cheek,” she said. “Just a warning though, any kid with your genes is going to be one hell of a headache.” She paused for a moment. “Especially a girl.”

 

“I want to see her,” he said vehemently. “Can we go there now?”

 

“Already ahead of you, kiddo. Drink up that tea and one of the nurses has promised she’ll take us there.”

 

He inclined his head. “Thanks Chris!”

 

Despite Roy diverting his face, she could see tears running down his face once more. All she could do was be there for him, so she sat there in silence and waited for the nurse to return.

 

“Hey Mustang!”

 

Chris turned their head to see Rebecca Catalina and Jean Havoc running up the hallway. Both were panting from exertion.

 

“How’s Riza?” There were twin patches of red on Rebecca’s face. “I got here as soon as I could.”

 

Roy didn't look up, hands clasped in his lap. 

 

Chris stood up quickly. Her nephew could barely deal with his own grief. The last thing he needed now was someone else’s grief.

 

“I turned up at house for brunch,” Rebecca continued obliviously, “and you were gone, so I called the bar and Vanessa told me you were here.”

 

Havoc’s face was pale and he put a hand on his girlfriend’s shoulder. “Rebecca, honey.”

 

“What?” She slipped out of his grip. “Why do you always do that?”

 

Jean shook his head, his eyes were on Roy's hunched shoulders. Rebecca followed his gaze.

 

“I'm sorry.” Chris stepped forward. “There were complications. She didn't make it.”

 

Rebecca’s lip wobbled and she shook her head. “No, not Riza.” 

 

Jean wrapped his arm around Rebecca’s trembling shoulders and pulled her close to him as she sobbed into his chest.

 

He looked at Chris. “And the baby?”

 

It was Roy who answered. “She's beautiful and healthy.”

 

“Oh Boss, I'm so sorry,” Jean said. “If there's anything at all we can do, just ask.”

 

Roy nodded. “Thanks.”

 

Rebecca extricated herself from Jean’s embrace. “It's not fair, Riza would have been an amazing mother.”

 

Still in tears she walked towards Roy and sat in the seat beside him.

 

“Hey Mustang!” She wiped at her eyes. “Riza always said you would make one hell of a dad. You better prove her right!” 

 

To Chris’ surprise, Rebecca threw her arms around him. Roy froze for a moment before returning her embrace.

 

“You’ve a good woman there,” Chris said to Jean. “You should hang onto her.”

 

“Don't worry. I intend to.” He shook his head. “I can't believe it. You know I saw her just yesterday. What happened?”

 

“I don't really know much other than she started bleeding and Roy rushed her in.”

 

“And the baby?”

 

“She's a little small, but seems otherwise healthy.”

 

Jean nodded, eyes flickering over to Rebecca and Roy again.

 

“I'd really appreciate it if you could tell your colleagues and friends,”Chris said quietly. “I already let the Fuhrer know, and I'll contact Gracia later today.”

 

“Of course. Is there anything else I can do?”

 

“Do you two have a key to the house?”

 

“Sure, we let Hayate out for a run earlier. We can take him if you like until Roy's ready to come back.”

 

“That would be such a help. Would you mind packing a change of clothes for Roy too and dropping them by the bar?”

 

“Let me know if you think of anything else.”

 

Chris glanced over at her nephew again. He and Rebecca were no longer embracing, instead both were crying silently together. 

 

“You're both good friends to him. He's going to need those around him.”

 

To be continued ...


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy spends time with his daughter and begins the process of saying goodbye to Riza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another instalment of my depressing au. If it is any consolation, this broke my heart to write.

**Chapter Four**

 

Roy squinted a little as he entered the neo natal ward. With the natural sunlight in the room, it was brighter than the dim corridors.

“Ah General Mustang.” A petite nurse with a severe bun gestured for him to follow. “I’m Joyce, we were expecting you.”  
He followed the nurse to a cot in the corner. Chris was at his heels as she had been all day, the glue that keeping him from completely falling apart. 

His daughter lay sleeping like the world wasn’t falling apart around her, and he was struck again about how tiny she was. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. 

Roy looked to Joyce. “How is she doing?”

“Very well considering she’s premature,” the nurse replied. “We will need keep her for a few days, but you should be able to take her home within the week.”

“That’s great news, Roy-boy.”

Roy just nodded dumbly. What am I going to do? How can I be a father to her? It wasn’t meant to be this way. Riza was always the kind and understanding one. 

Joyce took the flip chart from the cot and examined it. “So, have you decided on a name yet?”  
Roy could feel his aunt’s eyes on him. “Elizabeth.”

“After her mother,” Chris said. “Elizabeth Mustang, I like that.”

“Great, I’ll add her name to the chart.” Joyce smiled and gestured to the vacant chairs by the cot. “Take a seat, and when she wakes we’ll get you bottle feeding her.”

Roy didn’t sit, he reached out and ran a finger down her cheek. She stirred slightly and he pulled his hand back. He lowered himself into the seat that was closest to the cot. Chris was already sitting.

“Chris, I’m terrified.”

“I know, kiddo.” She squeezed his arm. “I was scared when you came to live with me.”

“Really? I can’t imagine you being afraid of anything.”

“Don’t you be so cheeky.”

“I’m not. It’s the truth. You’ve always been so strong.”

_And yet I’m falling apart right now._

“Hey, Roy-boy, you aren’t the only one that has cried themselves to sleep at night.” Roy flushed remembering his fragile mental state after returning from Ishbal. “I’m just a superb actor.”

_Sometimes, I hate that she knows me so well._

“Chin up, right?” he mutters.

“You don’t have to be strong. I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk.”

“I know,” he said. “But right I don’t know what I feel, let alone how to articulate it.”

Chris inclined her head, before standing up and looking into the cot. “Look at her, she’s a beaut. She’s the spit of her father.”  
Roy could hear the amazement in her voice.

“I must dig out some of your baby pictures.”

Elizabeth may have lost her mother, but he was heartened to realise she would never be short of people to love her. She was going to be spoilt if he was not careful.

 

Chris reluctantly left Roy feeding his newborn daughter. They were in good hands with the nurses. There was so much to do. There would be funeral arrangements to organise over the next week or so. In some ways, she was thankful to be able to do something other than comfort her nephew. The more she sat beside him waiting for him the fall apart, the more useless she felt. There was nothing she could say or do to make things any better for him. 

_I shouldn’t be worrying about myself. Roy is my priority._

She quickened her steps weaving through the medical personnel and hospital visitors. She had lost track of the time, but it must be visiting hours right now. She continued through the corridor and into the reception area, Vanessa was waiting for her.   
The younger woman frowned when she saw her, and immediately rushed forward to meet her. 

“You look awful!” Vanessa embraced her. “How’s Roy-boy doing?”

“Terrible, but he isn’t saying much.” Chris pulled back. “It’s a blessing he didn’t lose that little girl too. She’s what will keep him going.”

“Poor Roy.” Vanessa nodded. “The Fuhrer should arrive in the station shortly. I’m going to meet him. Our rooms are all full at the bar, so we had to book him a hotel room.”

Chris closed her eyes and exhaled. “It’s probably for the best, I don’t think Roy-boy is up to facing anyone else today.”

The older woman sighed and sat down on the one of the uncomfortable wooden chairs that were lined up against the wall.

“He is only bringing two bodyguards with him,” Vanessa said. “As far as everyone in Central knows, he’s dealing with a personal matter. He trying his visit as low-key as possible.”

“The news is going to be newsworthy enough without the world knowing the Fuhrer’s granddaughter has died.”

The younger woman sat down next to her. “Especially as nobody knows she’s related to him in the first place.”

“Let’s hope it stays that way,” Chris said. “It’s cold of me, I know, especially as he is an old and very dear friend of mine. I don’t think I have the energy to deal with another person’s grief.”

“You’re grieving too.” Vanessa smiled sympathetically. “There’s only so much you can do.”

“Hmm - I suppose. I’ll call the hotel later to check how he is.”

Vanessa picked up a basket from the ground. “I brought a flask of soup and some paper cups, because I guessed hospital food would be pretty awful.”

“Thanks Vanessa.” Chris took the basket. “You are a sweetheart. I haven’t been able to make Roy eat anything, this might just do the trick.”

“I better get going now, Chris.” Vanessa stood up. “The Fuhrer should be at the station shortly.”

“I’ll see you later.”

Vanessa embraced her. “Pass on my love to Roy.”

“I will,” the older woman replied.

Chris returned to her seat again. _What a horrible day?_

 

Roy yawned as Chris sat down beside him, his infant daughter still cradled in his arms. He acknowledged her presence with a brief glance.

“You’re exhausted,” she said.

“It’s been a long day.”

“Vanessa dropped by with some soup.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Roy - you have to try and eat. Besides it’s just soup.”

Roy sighed deeply. “I’m not sure that I can stomach anything right now.”

“You should listen to your aunt, General,” Joyce interjected. “You’re about to keel over, and that won’t do your little girl any good. Get some food and then try to get some sleep.” 

“But-”

Joyce waggled a finger. “No buts, General. Your daughter is in good hands. Hand her to me!”

Roy couldn’t help but think about when he had trusted the medics with his wife and he lost her. He clung a little tighter to Elizabeth. 

“She’ll be fine,” Chris said softly. “Riza was going into theatre. It’s not the same.”

_Damn woman. How can she read my mind so well?_

Reluctantly, he let the nurse take Elizabeth from him. His little girl didn’t even notice as Joyce placed her in the cot. Chris led him from the room, weaving around the cots and parents. Earlier, he had barely even registered their presence.   
Chris and Roy walked down the corridor until then found two seats together. “We better eat the soup before it goes too cold.”  
They sat down and Chris poured soup into the plastic cups from the flasks.

“It smells good,” he said.

“So, you are hungry after all?”

His stomach rumbled as he took a cup from her.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said.

Roy sipped at the soup and he felt his body warm up. 

“More?” Chris asked.

Roy nodded and held out the cup. “Thanks.”

She smiled as she filled up his cup.

“Make sure you leave enough for yourself,” Roy said.

“I had a sandwich earlier, so I don’t need it as much as you.” She still filled her own cup again. “There’s more if you want it, but this is enough for me.”

“I’ve enough too.” 

She was looking at him again, pith in her eyes. He looked away.

“That nurse was right. You’re exhausted. Let me take you back to the bar. I’ll drive your car.”

“That’s the least of my worries,” Roy said flatly. “Besides, I’m not going anywhere without seeing Riza first.”

“Of course, I can go find out for you.”

“Will you stop?” His voice was raised.

He wished she would stop hovering over him; it was exhausting. 

He looked at her again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

Her lips parted slightly and eyes widened. “Roy-”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know you mean well. I just need to do this myself.”

She inclined her head. “Of course, I understand that there are things you need to do on your own.” She raised her eyes to meet his. “Just remember I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk. You don’t need to do this alone.” 

There were tears in her eyes and he averted his gaze again. He didn’t want to start crying in the corridor again.

_Keep it together._

He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you for today, for being here.”

She smiled and shook her head. “Us Mustangs, we’re stubborn fools.”

“You should go and take a walk. Get out of this stuffy hospital for a bit.”

“I won’t go far. I’ll be in reception when you need me.”

“You can go home, you know.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

Roy stood outside the room, his hand frozen on the door handle. Nurse Fennell had brought him to the room where Riza was. As much as Roy had wanted to see Riza, now that the time had come he wasn’t sure if he was ready. 

_I’ll never be ready._

“Are you -” she began.

He cut her off. “I just need a few moments. I would prefer have some privacy.”

The nurse nodded. “Of course.”

He didn’t turn around, but he heard her retreating footsteps.

He took a long, deep breath and opened the door slowly. His eyes drifted to the bed where Riza lay.

_Her body._ He shook his head. _Riza._.

He paused a moment before he crossed the threshold. He closed the door behind him and sat at the chair left by the bed. 

“Riza.”

He longed for her to open her eyes, to see her chest rise and fall. 

“I wish you would wake up.” 

He had always loved her eyes, but they were closed now and would never open again.

He reached out his hand and clasped hers. It was cold and still. His breath caught in his throat. He didn’t think she would be so cold.

Her hair was fanned out on the pillow and he ran his fingers through it.

“I love you.” He blinked away a tear. “I will always love you. I’ve always been a stubborn bastard. You can’t get rid of me, no matter how dead you are.”

His fingers moved from her hair to her face. He traced her cheek. She was so cold. 

It looked like Riza lying there, but he knew his wife was gone. His eyes welled up and his shoulders were trembling. 

“I called her Elizabeth, you know,” he said, voice wavering. “She’s beautiful just like her mother.” He let the tears fall unchecked this time. “I promise she’ll make you proud.”

He would do absolutely everything in his power to protect and raise their daughter. Despite all the grief, one of the few emotions he could be certain of was his love for his daughter. It couldn’t dim his grief, but it shone like a beacon of hope.

"And don’t worry. I’m not going to commit the taboo. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted. If it was for Elizabeth I might try. I’m all she has, and she’s all I have.”

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. It had only been a matter of hours since it happened. Dead. He still couldn’t say those words. The thought of being without her any longer was unbearable. 

He lay his head on her breast. “I’m not ready to say goodbye, Riza. I need you. I just - I’m nothing without you.”

And he started to sob.

To be continued…


	6. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five**

  
Roy rolled over in the bed and banged his arm off the dresser. He opened his eyes wondering where he was doing in his aunt’s spare bedroom for a moment before the memories washed over him.

Oh no! Riza. No!

He put his head into his trembling hands. Riza’s pale face flashed before him and he suppressed a sob.

_It's just not fair._

_Why was she taken from me?_

_I need her._

_We need her_.

Riza had always been the strong one - the woman that tethered the darkness in him, and she had more belief in him than he ever had in himself.

 _What am I without her_?

The previous night, he had locked himself away. He had not cried; He had no tears left after all those shed in the hospital. He just lay on the bed silent and staring blankly at the ceiling. He didn't know how much time had passed before Chris had started banging on the door. She refused to leave the room until he ate a sandwich and she offered him a hot brandy “for the shock”. With hindsight, he realised she also must have slipped in a sedative to help him sleep. The last thing he remembered before waking was Chris slipping out of the room.

He rubbed at his eyes, which had filled up with tears.

_Oh Riza! I need you._

_Why did it have to be you_?

He reached for the empty glass on the dresser and hurled it across the room and into the wall. He wanted to scream, to wail and to rage at the unfairness of it all. This heaviness in his chest was spreading through his body. He let his arms drop to his sides again.

“Roy? Is everything alright in there?”

He glared at the door.

 _Vanessa. Stupid fucking question_.

“Fine,” he snapped.

“Roy, can I come in? Please?”

“No! Go away Vanessa!”

He regretted his words as soon as he had said them, but he didn't say anything. He knew she was just worried about him. Everyone was. He was lashing out just like he did yesterday with Chris. He wasn't being fair. But he was angry, so fucking angry.

 _Riza is gone_.

Riza had been at his side for most of his life, he couldn't imagine how he could go on without her. This was meant to be a beginning of their family. They were meant to see their child into adulthood and grow old together.

But she's not going to be there for Elizabeth.

 _What am I doing_? He pinched his nose and took a deep breath.

 _Elizabeth needs me and I'm too busy grieving my own loss to think about my little gir_ l.

He needed to pull himself together for Elizabeth's sake. His heart lurched. He picked up his pocket watch; It was just gone seven. He was filled with a sudden and desperate desire to see her.

He caught a whiff of himself. _Stale sweat. Ugh_.

He had fallen asleep in his clothes the previous night. Thankful there was a small bathroom attached to the room, he turned on the shower. He ran the water as hot as it would go and stood underneath it.

******

After the much needed shower, Roy felt cleaner at least. He returned to the bedroom and put on a fresh change of clothes, a pair of trousers and a shirt that had been provided courtesy of Havoc and Rebecca. It was another reminder of all the kindness and support he had received in the last terrible 24 hours. They said when things got rough that's when you knew who really had your back, who your real friends were.

Roy left the room, walking through the hallway into the back kitchen. The kitchen out front was solely for business and the cosy back kitchen is where Chris and the girls that boarded at the bar ate.

Vanessa was already sitting at the table, a freshly brewed pot of coffee in front of her. She looked up as he entered.

“I'm sorry for earlier,” Roy said. “I didn't mean to snap.”

“Don't worry, I understand,” she replied. “Coffee?”

“Oh, please.”

He took a seat opposite her while she poured him a mug. He

She reached across the table and patted his hand. “‘I’m really sorry Roy. I just don't have the words.”

He inclined his head and took the mug of coffee. He kept his gaze averted as he spoke, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. His own emotions were exhausting. He couldn't deal with other people's feelings too.

“Tell the Madame that I'm sorry too,” he said.

“Roy, you don't need to say anything. She already knows.”

“I know but-” He closed his eyes. “I'm all over the place. I don't know if I'll actually say it when I see her. I just want her to know that even if I do snap at her that I'm grateful.”

He opened his eyes again. Just as he expected, Vanessa’s forehead was creased. He wished everyone would not worry about him.

“You can tell her yourself,” she said. “She is usually down for breakfast by eight.”

He shook his head. “I'm going to the hospital shortly. I'll take my car.”

“Are you sure you don't want someone to come with you?”

He shook his head. “I need some time. Tell Chris not to worry, and I'll see her later.”

*******

Roy had been parked outside his home for almost thirty minutes trying to work up the courage to go inside. Instead, he stared at the house he and Riza had shared since they got married.

So many happy memories had been made here.

And now…

He finally opened the car door and walked towards the front door.

 _Baby clothes and her blanket. That's all I need, and then I can leave_.

Roy bit at his lower lip to stop it from trembling. He put the keys clumsily into the keyhole and fumbled with the lock. The door finally opened and he crossed the threshold. Shutting the door behind him, he went straight up the stairs towards the nursery he and Riza had spent many weekends decorating. He turned on the light and swallowed the lump in his throat. The crib was in the corner, a light yellow blanket folded neatly inside. He picked it up. It still smelt like her. He wiped away a stubborn tear.

“Maybe you’ll keep it all for yourself when the baby comes,” Roy teased.

Riza smiled enigmatically and placed the blanket over her swollen belly. “Ah - but it's for the baby not me.”

His eyes stung with unshed tears and he blinked them away.

_I need to keep it together. Elizabeth needs me to be strong._

He wanted her to have some things of her own in the hospital instead of the starchy standard issue hospital materials. He almost tripped over the bag at the door. It was the emergency bag Riza had packed for when she would go into labour. They didn't even think of it, not when they were in such a rush to get her to the hospital. He bent down and picked it up reluctantly. He carried the bag over to the rocking chair by the wall. Fingers trembled as he opened the bag and removed Riza’s dressing gown, nightdress and change of clothes. She would never wear those clothes again, or see her daughter, or hold him tight. He dropped to his knees and buried his face in the clothes.

_It's not fair. How am I supposed to go on without her?_

He started to sob, violently and desperately. Eyes stinging and his chest burning, he let the tears run unchecked.

 _I can't do this. I just can't. How can I possibly raise our little girl alone_?

******

Chris Mustang sat down at the table in her kitchen.

Turning to Vanessa she asked, “Where's Roy boy?”

“He left for the hospital, wouldn't even stay for breakfast.” Vanessa shook her head sadly. “I think he wants to be on his own for a while.”

“Poor Roy, it's really knocked him for six,” Chris said. “And the worst is yet to come.”

“To be brutally honest. He looked awful.”

There was a loud tapping at the back door. The two women looked at one another quizzically.

Vanessa offered, “I'll go.”

Chris stood up. “No dear, you've done enough. Let me.”

She went out into the hall and went to the door. When she the door, she was surprised to see Grumman standing there, surrounded by two burly men.

“Fuhrer!’

“No need for formalities, Chris,” he said, “you know why I’m here.” He turned back to his men. “Can you please stay out here while I'm inside?”

The men saluted and replied, “Yes, sir.”

Chris stepped back to allow Grumman step inside. As she got a closer look at him, she could see the man looked older than his years.

“It’s a terrible business,” he said. “A young girl like that, her whole life ahead of her.”

“Indeed it is.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “I'm really sorry for your loss.”

“Don't Chris-” He turned his head away. “It's not like I was her grandfather in anything but blood.”

She removed her hand. “How about a cup of tea?”

“That sounds like a great idea,” he said wearily.

She escorted him to the parlour, where they would have some privacy.

“If you’ll excuse me for one moment,” Chris said to Grumman. She closed the door behind her.

She had known Grumman a long time, but she had never seen him so subdued.

_Poor man._

She continued down the hall and peered into the kitchen. “Would you please get a pot of tea, Vanessa, and bring it into the parlour?”

Vanessa looked up. “Of course.”

“Vanessa, I feel like you've been waiting on me hand and foot over the last twenty four hours.”

“What else are family for,” the younger woman replied with a small smile.

“Still, thank you.”

Chris turned back to Grumman, who was looking at the pictures hanging on the wall. Most were an assortment of Roy as a kid and the various members of the extended Mustang family. Grumman was looking at a picture of Roy proudly wearing his military uniform for the first time.

“And Roy-boy is still a handful.”

Grumman jumped at her words.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you,” she said.

He turned around. “How is he .. Roy?”

“Heart broken.” She shrugged her shoulders. “He isn't saying much. I think their daughter is the one thing that's keeping him going right now. He’s gone to visit her this morning.”

Grumman’s expression softened. “What is she like?”

“She's beautiful,” she said. “Tiny, but she's doing well. I barely got a chance to hold her. Roy didn't want to let her go.”

“Do you think I could meet her?”

“That is up to Roy, but I don't see why he would refuse. I'm going to call to the hospital after lunch if you would like to come.”

“I would like that. Thank you.” He frowned for a moment. “Does she have a name yet?”

“He's calling her Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth,” he murmured.

“Sit down.” Chris gestured towards two comfy chairs in front of the empty hearth. “The tea will be along shortly.”

He nodded and sat down. “I didn't just come to pay my respects. I want to pay for the funeral. I mean - I wasn't able to give her anything in life.”

“I don't think she would have wanted a milit-”

“Don't worry,” he interrupted, “I mean - I want to pay for the costs from my personal funds. It's the least I could do for her even if it's too late.”

“Oh - that's very kind of you.” Chris shook her head, “I haven't broached the topic with Roy yet, but I'll have to today.”

“I have to return to Central tomorrow.” He rubbed at his beard. “I'll come back for the funeral. Apparently, Fuhrers aren't allowed the luxury of taking time off for grieving.”

His words were flippant, but they dripped with bitterness.

“I’ll put you in touch with my personal secretary to help you,” he continued. “I can assure you of her discretion, although she is not aware of my personal connection to Riza.”

“Don't worry, I am equally aware of the importance of discretion. The last thing Roy boy needs right now is that media storm.”

 

*******

Roy leaned over the cot and stared down at his sleeping little girl. He still could not believe she was his.

Tiny fingers and toes.

A strong set of lungs.

A little person who was wholly dependant on him, and that knowledge was terrifying.

_I love you so much, kiddo. Elizabeth, my Elizabeth._

Elizabeth seems a little formal for a little girl. He frowned for a moment.

_Beth. Beth Mustang. That sounds right._

He secured the yellow blanket around her lower body.

“Your Mom loved this blanket. Our friend Gracia knitted it especially for you.”

Beth didn't stir as he spoke. She slept without a worry in the world - no knowledge of all she lost and the mother she would never know. He lowered himself onto one of the rickety wooden chairs.

“Glad to see you put her down at last,” said a voice from behind him. “You should go and get some lunch.”

He turned around. He should have known it was Nurse Fennell.

“I'm not very hungry.”

She put her hand on his shoulder. “Please go and get a good meal. You'll be no good to Elizabeth if you're keeling over.” She looked at the timepiece on the wall and waggled her finger. “And I don't want to see you for another hour.”

“I suppose I could eat something and get out for some air.”

He felt a little lightheaded as he stood up. Perhaps it was a good idea after all. He had not eaten since Chris forced him to eat soup the previous night.

“That's what I like to hear,” the nurse said. “I promise we’ll look after Elizabeth.”

*******

Roy walked down the corridor and passed by the small hospital shop. Frowning, he stopped after a few paces. He needed to occupy his mind; A newspaper might be a helpful distraction. He did not want to be alone with his thoughts again. He had already broken down twice today.

He turned around and returned to the shop. He paused at the door and picked up a copy of the Eastern Star from the newspaper stand. He handed a few coins to the cashier, who smiled at him. He didn't return the smile, inclining his head instead.

“Keep the change.”

He rolled up the newspaper and tucked it under his arm.

The world goes on even if it feels like it has stopped for me.

Leaving the small shop, he heard a familiar voice.

“Roy boy!”

He looked up to see his aunt walking towards him. Even though, all he wanted that morning was to be alone, he realised he was glad to see her.

“I'm going for food if you want to join me,” he said when she reached him.

She embraced him briefly and pulled back. “Voluntarily?”

“Not really.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I need to eat, or so I'm told.”

“We’ll join you so.”

“We?” Roy looked over her shoulder and his eyes widened. “Fuhrer?”

Grumman looked almost recognisable, and it wasn't just his civilian clothes. He appeared older than his years, and Roy was reminded yet again that he and Elizabeth weren't the only ones that lost someone they loved. Even Chris, who had been his rock, had loved Riza.

“I'm sorry,” he said looking from Grumman to his aunt. “She-”

“I'm sorry too,” Grumman said. “There's no need to worry about me. Just think about your little girl.”

Roy stepped forward intent on hugging the older man. He stopped not quite sure if such a gesture would be appropriate especially here in a hospital corridor. For the first time, he noticed the two men watching from a few feet away. He recognised them as two members of Grumman’s personal guard even though they too were in civvies.

Roy lowered his voice. “Would you like to meet her?”

“I hoped you would allow me hold her,” Grumman replied.

“I don't know if he will allow you hold her for long,” Chris said. “I barely held her for more than five minutes.”

“I would settle just for seeing her before I leave for Central.”

Roy turned to Grumman. “You're going back so soon?”

“There’s no rest when you're the Fuhrer, Mustang.” The older man put his hand on his shoulder. “Just remember that.”

Roy inclined his head.

“I'll be back for the funeral, of course,” Grumman added.

The word caused a pang in his chest.

Of course, there will be funeral. But that will mean it's finally over, that she's really gone. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

“Roy?” Chris was at his side again. “I'm sorry kiddo. We have to talk about it.”

“I can't-”

“Maybe later?”

He nodded. “Later - I promise.”

“Fine - I do need to tell you that Grumman wants to pay for it all personally.”

“What?” Roy’s eyes widened. “You don't need to do that!”

“It's the very least I could do for my granddaughter. I can only hope I'm a better great grandfather.”

**To be continued…**

 

 **I was going to include the funeral scene in this chapter, but I felt it didn't fit here. Still, there was enough angst I think**.


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riza's funeral is coming up. Roy is at breaking point, and Chris is trying to keep everything together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it’s been a while since I updated this.
> 
> This is especially for those who have been so supportive of this au.

**Chapter Six**

Bringing Elizabeth out of hospital should have been a joyous moment. Instead, it was tinged with sadness. Chris had insisted Roy and Elizabeth stay with her rather than go to his empty house. Roy had not needed much convincing. He did not have the energy to argue, much less the desire to return there. Not yet.

He watched over his little girl as she slept. Her dark eyelashes fluttered and her tiny hands clenched. Riza’s blanket was draped over her lower body.

_It is almost like Riza is still protecting her from the cold. Riza._

There was constant ache, a heaviness, in his chest. Part of him was missing - a hole Riza had filled. He missed her so much - her tender fingers on his face, her soft lips on his cheek and the sound of her voice.

_I can’t hold her or kiss her. She’s not going to be there to comfort me after a long, hard day, or to tell me off for being careless or a cold bastard._

He took in a big gulp of air and ran his fingers through his hair.

_I have to be strong. For Beth._

He leaned over the basket and brushed his thumb against her cheek. Beautiful. It was hard to believe that she was his. Theirs. They made her. Their own flesh and blood. And every time he thought about it, he was no closer to getting his mind around it.

There was a light tap on the door. Roy took one more look at his sleeping daughter, who was thankfully still sleeping in the basket that Havoc and Rebecca had brought from his home. He stood up and opened the door. Just as he suspected, Chris was standing there. Not wanting to disturb Beth, who had just gone down, he slipped out into the hall leaving the door ajar.

"Vanessa made some dinner,” she said. “Come eat with us.”

Roy’s stomach rumbled loudly before he could refuse. He sighed and nodded following her into the kitchen. The door was ajar so he would hear her when she woke. To his surprise the food smelt good. He tried to remember when the last time he ate was. It must have been toast at breakfast time.

Vanessa was piling their plates when they arrived in the kitchen. She looked up smiled at him when he entered the room, and he just inclined his head.

Chris put her hand on his shoulder. “Sit!”

The table was set for three, and Roy sat in the nearest chair. He was glad it was just the three of them. He loved the rest of the girls, but Vanessa had been a member of the extended Mustang family almost as long as he had.

Vanessa put a plate in front of him: potatoes, vegetables and ham. “How’s little Elizabeth doing?”

"Good. She’s sleeping a lot.”

“That’s normal at this stage,” Chris said. “Or so I’m told.”

“Yeah, we uh-” He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. “We read a lot of books.”

Chris reached across the table and squeezed his arm. He let her squeeze it for a moment before he pulled it away. He dropped his gaze and started cutting the meat on his plate. Don’t. He couldn’t bear to see the pity in her eyes. He needed to keep it together. At least until tomorrow was over.

He swallowed a piece of ham. “It’s good.”

"You’re welcome.” Vanessa said. “About tomorrow, If you like I can look after the little one during the funeral tomorrow.”

“No!” Roy looked up from the plate and shook his head, “It’s going to be the last time the three of us can be together.”

Her eyes widened for a moment. “If you’re sure.”

"I am,” he said. I’ll feed her before we go. Who knows - she might even sleep through it?”

“Alright,” she said. “But if you change your mind, just ask.”

“I won’t, Vanessa, but thanks. We need to say goodbye.” The word tasted like poison on his lips.

_I’m not ready to say goodbye, but I suppose I’ll never be ready._

A chair creaked as Chris moved back from the table. “Roy?”

“Please don’t!”

She settled back in her chair and exchanged a less than subtle look with Vanessa.

"I don’t need to be mollycoddled,” he continued. “You’ve never mollycoddled me before. Don’t start now.”

There was no anger in his voice, but she winced just the same.

Roy knew he should feel awful. Chris was hurting too, grieving just like he was. Still, he didn’t have the energy for anyone else’s grief.

_Does that make me a terrible person? What sort of man am I without Riza?_

Riza made him a better man. She made sure he didn’t stray from his path.

He was tired of everyone walking on eggshells around him, pity in their eyes. They spoke in soft quiet tones, like they were afraid he was about to fall apart any minute. And he was falling apart. He was broken - missing the best part of him. He recognised the contradiction, but he couldn’t help how he felt.

The women were eating in silence, but Roy’s appetite had disappeared.

Putting down his knife and fork, Roy looked from one woman to the other. “Thank you both for organising everything. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

"Of course, Roy,” Chris said. “We loved her too.”

“I know,” he said.

"It’s the very least we could do for you both,” Vanessa added.

He turned to Chris. “Did you post a notice in the newspaper like I asked?”

Chris inclined her head, “It was in the Eastern Telegraph yesterday.”

“May I read it? Do you have a copy?” Chris’ eyes widened, but she quickly composed herself. She stood up and took the rolled up newspaper from the sideboard where it had remained untouched since the previous day. She took a seat again and passed it to her nephew.

He took it wordlessly, but gave her a ghost of a smile.

_It is with regret and sadness that the Mustang family confirm the death of Captain Riza Mustang neé Hawkeye. She is survived by her husband, General Roy Mustang, and their newborn daughter, Elizabeth Mustang. A wife, a mother and a friend, she will greatly missed by all who knew and loved her._

_The family are grateful to all those, civilian and military, who have offered their condolences on Riza’s unexpected passing. The family ask that instead of sending flowers, that well-wishers make a donation to the Ishval Reconstruction Fund._

_Riza will be laid to rest in a private ceremony with close family and friends. The family ask for privacy to grieve at this upsetting time._

Roy swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Especially for the suggestion to donate to the fund.”

"It’s what she would have wanted,” Vanessa said.

"What she would have wanted is to be here to raise our little girl?” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I’ve done it again. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

He was so angry, so angry that Riza had been taken from him, from Beth. Angry at himself for believing they had a shot at having a normal family at last.

"It’s alright,” Vanessa said. “No, it’s not. You both have been there for me, and I’m grateful.” He took a sip of water from the glass. “Can we - can we change the subject?”

**********

The following morning, Chris and the girls were running around making sure everything was in order. Only a small number of people would be attending the funeral, and they had been invited to the bar afterwards for refreshments and sandwiches.

Vanessa and Maggie were busy making the sandwiches in the kitchen while Chris barked out orders.

As Roy was getting ready for the funeral, Chris was looking after her grandniece.

_She truly is a gorgeous creature._

Her head rested on Chris’s shoulder, as she paced around the kitchen. She was so little, tiny hands and toes. It was hard to believe they had all been this small once.

Roy had barely spoken that morning. She bullied him into eating toast and drinking a cup of coffee for breakfast. He looked like he hadn’t slept a wink. There were shadows under his eyes and he had not shaved since Riza passed. At least he had seen the sense of cleaning himself up for the funeral. Chris desperately wanted to reach out to him, but he was bottling everything up. She knew it was unhealthy but she was hardly a good example for dealing with emotion either.

“I’m worried about him.” Chris said. Elizabeth started to fuss and Chris cradled the baby in her arms. “Hush, my dear.”

"He’ll pull through.” Vanessa piled sandwiches on plates. “Our Roy-boy is strong.”

“I hope so, I’m just glad this little one survived.” Chris kissed the top of Elizabeth’s head. “Otherwise, I think we’d be burying him today too.”

“Don’t talk like that!” Maggie shook her head and started to cry. “It’s just - not fair.”

Vanessa abandoned the sandwiches and pulled Maggie into her arms. “Hey now, we have to be strong for Roy today.”

Maggie wiped at her eyes. “You’re right.”

Chris didn’t say anything. _If there is a god, he or she’s a vengeful bastard_ , she thought.

 

There was a cough from the doorway.

Sarah peered around the door. “Madame, the Fuhrer is here. I didn’t want to disturb Roy.”

Chris nodded. “Excuse me, girls.”

"Not to worry,” Maggie said. “We’ve got it all under control, Madame.”

Grumman was waiting in the drawing room, his hands crossed behind his back. He was wearing a black suit rather than his military uniform. He seemed smaller somehow. She wasn’t sure if it was the absence of his uniform or the grief.

“I just wanted to call before the funeral,” he said. “How is he?”

Chris smiled sadly. “He’s coping, but today will be hard on him.”

"As it will be on us all.”

"Would you like to hold her?”

"Oh, I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I’ve held a little one.” Still, he nodded, and she carefully placed the baby in his arms.

"Hi there, I’m your great Grandpa.” He chuckled. “Oh dear, that makes me feel ancient.”

“You and me both, old man.” She glanced at Elizabeth, who seemed content in Grumman’s arms. “She likes you.”

"Hmmm. Wait til she gets to know me better, and I’m sure she’ll find me unbearable.”

Chris dropped onto the sofa and rubbed at her temple.

“And how are you holding up?”

Chris looked up, eyebrows raised. “I’m fine, there’s no need to worry about me.”

"Chris, you need to grieve too.”

The words hit her hard and tears pricked at her “I’m more worried about Roy-boy.” Her lip began to tremble. She put her head in her hands not wanting him to see her tears. “I want to help him, but I keep doing or saying the wrong thing.”

“I’m sure you’re not,” he said. “Roy is just a little lost right now, but he’ll find his footing. Mark my words. He’s strong and stubborn. Just be patient with him.”

"I’m sorry-” Chris sobbed into her hands.

"Don’t be sorry.” She took a few breaths to steady herself. “I should be the one comforting you.”

"I think I’ve had more time to grieve than you. You’re too busy worrying about Roy.”

******************

The funeral passed by in a blur of condolences. Roy was grateful for the presence of their friends, but he barely registered a word they said. Faces blurred into one another. He shook their hands on autopilot, and muttered quiet thank yous.

Chris and the girls hovered around him during the ceremony. His aunt stood to his right and had his hand clasped in hers. Vanessa, Sarah and Maggie were on his other side.

As Riza’s coffin was lowered into the ground, Roy swallowed a sob. He couldn’t look. Instead, he concentrated on his sleeping daughter’s form. She was well wrapped up in the pram; it made her look even smaller. She was sleeping peacefully - not a care in world while her mother was being buried.

_Buried. Riza. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Beth needs her mother._

Another sob caught in his throat. His eyes were burning, but he blinked his tears away. Chris’ tightened her grip on his hand. It was almost painful.

"I’m sorry, Roy-boy,” she whispered. Roy turned a reluctant gaze back to the grave where the caretakers had finished lowering the coffin. His hands were shaking. The mourners were already moving away.

Roy pulled his hand out of Chris’. “You go on ahead. I - we need a few moments.”

Chris nodded and took the girls with her.

"So - uh, Riza, this is our daughter, Elizabeth. Beautiful, isn’t she?” He sniffed and wiped away his silent tears. “I don’t know what I’m doing, how I’m supposed to do this without you. You were supposed to keep me in check. What if I let Beth down, let you down?” Balling his fists, he straightened up. “I’m a stubborn bastard, so I’m going to try my damnedest.”

He looked up at the sky. The sun was shining, almost like the powers that be were trying to screw with him one more time.

“Roy?” He turned around. Chris had returned. “Are you ready?”

"Not really,” he said.

Chris gestured to Vanessa. “Take the baby back to the car.”

Roy opened his mouth to protest, but he let go of the pram and watched Vanessa walk away.

Chris wrapped her arms around him. “Roy, I’m so sorry. She was an amazing woman.”

“I love - loved her, Chris.” He returned the embrace and buried his face in her shoulder.

"I know, and she knew.” His whole body began to tremble. “And now- and now she’s gone. I - I don’t know what to do. What do I - How can I?”

"You take it a day at a time.”

He took a deep breath and pulled back. “We should go. Beth will wake up soon.”

The pair walked towards their car when they were intercepted by Winry and Edward Elric.

“We won’t make it to the bar,” Winry said, “and we wanted to pass on our condolences.”

“Thank you for coming,” Roy said.

"Al and Mei would have come too,” Edward added, “but they are in Xing.”

Roy nodded. “Of course. Pass on my regards the next time you see them.”

“We will.” Edward took his hand and shook it. “I’ll miss her.”

The younger man clapped Roy on the back and stepped away.

Winry moved forward and hugged Roy much to his surprise. “I’m sorry, General. I really looked up to Miss Riza.”

He was heartened by the words. He hoped Ed knew just how lucky he was in Winry.

"You know, Winry, you should probably start calling me Roy. After all, your husband has called me every name under the sun.”

Winry blushed and smiled. “We should go if we’re going to make the train.” 

"Safe journey,” Chris said.

"Roy, look after yourself,” Edward said. “You look like shit!”

"Edward!” Winry’s face was pink. “I’m so sorry, General. I mean, Roy.”

Roy shook his head. “There’s no need.”

While he appreciated all the support Chris and his friends were giving him, it was stifling and he was fed up of being treated with kid gloves. It was good to know some things never changed; Edward Elric would always be a cheeky little punk. And for a brief moment, Roy was Roy Mustang again instead of just the grieving widower. 

 

**To be continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was painful to write. Please let me know your thoughts.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter picks up after the funeral and Roy has a much needed conversation with Gracia.

**Without Her**

  
  
**Chapter Seven**

Roy held a dozing Beth to his chest as he got out of the car. He could hear the noise from inside, and he took a longing look at the back door of the bar before sighing. His friends were grieving just like he was; the least he could do was show his face before he disappeared into the back to give Beth her bottle.

He turned to Vanessa and Chris, who were pulling the pram out from the trunk of the car.

“Thanks,” he said. “I’m going to give her a bottle in the back.”

Chris put her hand on his shoulder. “Do you me to come with you?”

Roy shook his head and placed Beth into the pram. He held his breath for a moment expecting her to start wailing.

“Hey it's okay, sweetheart.” Beth stirred letting out a little whimper, but quieted again. Satisfied, he looked up at Chris. “I want to be on my own for a while.”

His aunt inclined her head. “Alright if you’re sure.”

There was a sudden lull in conversation as the three walked through the door into the bar. Roy could feel the gazes burning through him. He knew they meant well, but he didn’t like being gawked at.

“Thank you all for coming.” Roy looked around the room at all the faces. “I really am grateful.” He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. “I know Riza would be too.”

Beth started to cry again and Roy rocked the pram to soothe her.

“You’ll have to excuse us. She is due her bottle.”

He wheeled the pram behind the counter through the door into the living quarters of the bar.  

He went into the kitchen, where there were two platters of sandwiches on the table ready to take through to the bar. The girls had excelled yet again. Everyone was doing so much for him. And yet, here was hiding away from everyone. He couldn't find the energy to deal with the guilt. He knew they were worried about him, but somehow that just made things harder. Everybody expected him to be grieving, and when he was they didn’t know what to say.

He opened his tie and took off his suit jacket. Putting them on the back of one of the chairs, he went to prepare a bottle for Beth. He was both mentally and physically exhausted. All his energy had been drained; he was wrung out from the day’s events.

The funeral. Riza was cold in the ground now.

 _In a wooden box. Cold. Alone. Gone._  He shut his eyes.  _Riza. Why did you leave us?_

He suppressed a sob with a trembling hand. He was falling apart, and he couldn’t afford to.

Beth stirred in the pram and started to wail.  

 _For her,_  he reminded himself.

Roy put down the bottle on the sideboard to let it cool.

“It's okay, sweetheart. Daddy’s coming.”

He returned to the pram in two strides and took her out. She quieted immediately in his arms. He kissed her forehead and laid her gently against his shoulder.

“I know I’m not much, but I’d move the world for you, precious girl.”

He put a towel over his other shoulder and grabbed the bottle of milk. He made his way down the hall and he took her into the living room to ensure some privacy.

Roy sat on his favourite armchair beside the empty fireplace.

He smiled down at Beth who was feeding eagerly. “Hungry, huh? I’m glad one of us is.”

******

 

 

Chris sat at one of the tables surrounded by the girls’ easy chatter. She had been ordered to rest and let the rest of the girls tend to their visitors. Not for the first time, Chris’ eyes drifted to the door into her private quarters. She wondered how Roy-boy was doing. She was torn between giving him the privacy that he desired, or the comfort that he needed. Although truth be told, she wasn't sure what he needed.

_And Riza. Such a devoted and strong woman. Gone in the prime of her life. And here I am, the best part of my life gone. Life is a cruel mistress._

Riza would never get to see her daughter grow up, or see Roy become Fuhrer. She had to wonder too if that was something that he even want now. Having a child changed things, never mind raising a child on your own after losing the love of your life.

Roy and Riza made many mistakes but they were good people. They didn't deserve this after everything they had been through and all they were trying to achieve.

_If there really is a God up there, he's a sadistic son of a bitch._

Her heart ached for her nephew. She wished she could take his pain away. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment.

When Chris opened them again, she looked around the bar at Roy and Riza’s friends. Havoc and Breda were drinking spirits at a table in the corner of the room. Heads bent, Falman and his wife were deep in conversation with Fuery at the bar, while Major Armstrong was sitting at a table in the middle of the room with a young, female lieutenant who had introduced herself as Maria. Surprisingly, Gracia and Rebecca had spent the last hour talking in hushed voices at the table next to her. As far as she knew, this was the first time that they had met, but they seemed to have bonded in the short space of time.

Grumman had not followed them back to the bar. He was already on his way back to Central to reprise his role as Fuhrer.

“Fuhrers don’t have the luxury of grief,” he had said.

_Poor man._

She knew he was full of regret for the years he had lost with his granddaughter, and the relationship with Riza that had never had. In many ways he was closer to Roy than he had ever been to Riza.

Chris turned around when an unidentified hand squeezed her shoulder. She met Gracia’s concerned eyes. Rebecca was standing right beside Gracia.

Gracia removed her hand. “How are you holding up? Can we sit with you?”

“Managing,” she said and gestured for them to sit. “I’m worried about Roy-boy though.”

“That's to be expected,” Gracia said.

“He doesn't look like he's eating properly,” Rebecca commented. “And he looks really pale.”

Chris sighed and kneaded her forehead. “I'm trying.”

Rebecca’s mouth opened and then closed. “I wasn't-”

“I know, dear. You know just as well as I how stubborn that man can be.”

Rebecca relaxed and took a seat opposite her.

“Just like Riza.” Her smile was wobbly. “I swear there were times when I wondered if they would ever admit to their feelings.”

“Maes told me they were meant for each other,” Gracia said. “He used to say he knew it the first time he saw the two of them together.”

Rebecca frowned. “But wasn't that in Ishval?”

“It was,” Chris said.

“Riza never talked much about it,” Rebecca said, “but I knew she and Roy were childhood friends.”

Chris nodded. “They knew each other for a very long time.”

How would Roy cope without her when they had been inseparable for almost two decades?

Chris looked towards the door into her private quarters again. “I thought Roy would be done with feeding Elizabeth by now. Do you think he’s alright.” She shook her head. “Stupid question. Of course, he's not alright.”

“Maybe he’s just not ready to face us,” Rebecca said. She glanced over at Jean. “I don't know if I would be in his position.”

“You're right, but I don't like him being alone on a day like this.”

“Let me get you both another drink,” Rebecca said.

Rebecca stood up and went over to the bar.

Chris turned to Gracia. “How are you? This must bring back a lot of memories for you.”

“Yes - it does, but I'm alright. It's never easy though, especially when it's a friend.”

“I know Roy appreciates you being here.”

“It's an awful thing to lose the one you love, but he’ll pull through. He has a lot of people who love him.”

Chris sighed and put her head in her hands. “I feel so useless. I don't know how to help him.”

“You can’t.” Gracia squeezed Chris’ hands. “All you can do is be there for him, listen when he asks it, and trust that he’ll come to you when he needs it most.”

“I don't know.” Chris let out a sigh. “Am I doing the right thing? Should I leave him alone right now? He says he wants to be alone, but-”

“I can go and check on him, if you like,” Gracia suggested.

“Would you?” Chris smiled sadly. “I’d feel much better if you did.”

*********

 

 

After placing a sleeping Beth into her crib in the corner of the room, Roy dropped onto the sofa. Exhaustion hit him hard and he realised he hadn't eaten anything in several hours. The thought of going out into the bar and seeing everyone again was not appealing. He knew it was selfish and he would have to eventually.

_Just a little longer._

He just needed time to compose himself. He kneaded his eyes with his hands.

A light knock on the door startled Roy causing him to jump.

He sat up. “Come on in.”

He was surprised to see Gracia standing in the door. She was holding a tray with two steaming cups of tea and some sandwiches. It was almost like she read his mind.

“You've been back here awhile,” she said. “I see she’s settled.”

“She's just gone down.” Roy rubbed at his forehead.

She stepped further into the room and closed the door behind her. “Tea?”

“Please. Thanks.”

She placed the tray on the coffee table in front of him. “I think I remember how you take it. Milk. No sugar.”

Roy picked up one of the cups. “Come on Gracia, it hasn't been that long since I dropped by has it?”

She arched an eyebrow.

“Fair enough. I promise I'll be better.”

She glanced over at the crib. “Can I take a proper look?”

He remained seated while she walked over to the crib in the corner of the room. “Of course. Just please don’t wake her. She was roaring earlier. I’m surprised you didn’t hear her.”

He took a sandwich and bit into it. “Mmm.”

“She's beautiful, Roy.” Gracia smiled into the crib. She looked over at him. “You forget how little they are?”

Roy swallowed the mouthful of sandwich in his mouth.

“How is Elicia?”

“Cheeky and driving me mad. You have it all ahead of you, Roy.”

“Something to look forward to, huh?”

The sentence came out bleaker than he intended.

“Roy,” Gracia said. “I’m so sorry about Riza.”

He nodded his head not trusting himself to speak. He knew if anyone had an idea about how he was feeling it was Gracia.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No,” he whispered. “Gracia, how do I-”

She sat down beside him. “You just take each day as it comes. Some will be harder than others.”

He put down the cup. “I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when Hughes died.”

“It's alright. Besides you were there when it mattered.” She squeezed his hand. “You sorted out all the paperwork and organised the funeral. I knew you were grieving too.”

“I couldn't face you. I blamed myself.”

“You know how ridiculous that is,” she said. “I never blamed you - not for a single moment.”

“You would have been well within your right.”

“No - I wouldn't. Roy, you know this wasn’t your fault either.”

“Why do I feel like it is then?” He heard the tremble in his voice. “Why did she have to leave me, Gracia? How am I supposed to look after my daughter without her? It's not fair.”

“It's both a blessing to have her, Roy.” She put her hand on his. “No matter how much it hurts.  She’ll always be a reminder of what you lost, but a blessing too because a part of Riza will always be with you.”

His shoulders started to tremble with silent sobs. Gracia went to embrace him, but he turned away. He took a shuddering breath and composed himself.

“Don't - I'm trying to keep it together.”

“Roy, one of the most important things I learnt was to let people help me through my grief.”

“I've cried enough today,” he said.

“You're right.” Her cheeks were pink. “I'm sorry, but I am worried about you.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Everyone is, I'm worried about me.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. Squeezing his eyes shut, he continued, “I miss her so fucking much.”

Gracia said nothing, just nodded.

“I should have known,” he said. “It's our punishment for Ishval.”

“Roy, what happened is not your fault.”

He shook his head. “After what we did, what right did we have to be happy?”

“Maes suffered terribly from his days in war. He tried to hide it from me, protect me from it. But I knew. Of course, I did. Just like I knew he was a good man, and that you are a good man.”

Roy wanted to protest. He was nothing like Hughes, who was so kind and strong. He wasn't a good man.

He picked up his cup again. “I'm sorry - today must be hard for you too.”

Gracia waved his concerns away. “Don't worry about me.”

“Is it weird that I keep wishing this is some terrible dream?”

“Not in the slightest,” she assured him. “I couldn't count the times I went to bed hoping I would wake up and see him beside me. Sometimes, I just wanted to go back to sleep where he was alive and waiting for me.”

“How did you-”

He cut off realising the futileness of the question, but she answered the unfinished question anyway.

“Oh Roy. I spent a lot of time crying my eyes out when people couldn't see me. Looking after Elicia was the one thing that got me out of bed every morning.”

“That must have been so hard and lonely.”

“You're stronger than you know, Roy,” she said gently. “You’ll get through it because you have to.”

His eyes welled up and he averted his face from her to wipe his eyes.

“We had so many plans for the future,” he said. “And now she's gone, and I need her.”

“Just remember how much she loved you. And that love gave you Elizabeth.”

Gracia was right.

“Thank you.” He turned around to face her. “It’s hard to remember that sometimes.”

“There is nothing to thank me for.”

“Did my aunt send you? Chris is probably having kittens out there wondering where I am, but I needed some time to get my head together.”

“It's okay to be selfish, to do what you need to do to get through this.”

Roy shook his head. “I've done enough hiding.” He stood up and rolled back his shoulders. “Give me a few minutes and I'll follow you out.”

Gracia nodded and left him alone again.

After he finished his tea and the sandwiches that she brought, he walked over to the crib in the corner and drank in the sight of his little girl. She was sound asleep, not a care in the world. She was so beautiful. It was still hard to believe that she was his flesh and blood - part of him and Riza. Everything he would do from now on would be for her. He loved her more than he ever could have imagined.

_Hughes my friend, you were right all along. Children change everything._

He stroked Beth's cheek with his thumb. “Your Mom was an amazing woman. I'm sure you'll be one too. I'll do my best not to let you down.”

 

**To be continued...**


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy knows he's standing still, and he needs to find a way to move forward even if it's a day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve done a chapter of this. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I hope you like it. 
> 
> Dedicated to @tea-withjamandbread and @shijaeger from Tumblr.

**Chapter Eight ******

********

********

Roy lay back on the bed, a hand over his eyes. Beth was sleeping in the crib in the corner of the room. He knew he should be taking advantage of the time to sleep too, but he was feeling restless. The last few nights - his dreams were full of her, of Riza.

_Riza, I miss you so much._

She always started those dreams alive and happy. He woke from some with memory of her in his arms, losing her all over again when he awoke. In others, he watched her die. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her.

He stared at the ceiling through his splayed fingers. Perhaps he should just get up. Still, he didn’t move. 

He wasn't alright. He could never imagine being alright again. Still, he was surviving. He was getting out of bed every morning and looking after his daughter. As far as he was concerned, that was a victory in itself.

He finally pulled himself out from his cocoon. He shimmed past the cot to grab his clothes, which he had left on the chair the night before. The room was big enough for one person, but not for all the paraphernalia needed for a baby. At home there was a nursery ready and waiting. They had been prepared for everything, or so they thought. Except for what had happened. He remembered Hayate’s whining when they had left that night. He wondered how Hayate would react to finally meeting Beth. Would he love her as much as he loved her mother?

Rebecca and Havoc were caring for him. They had been great over the past two weeks. All of his men had. It was true what they say about knowing who your friends really are in times of hardship.

He knew they couldn’t stay here in Chris's home indefinitely. He was going to have to go home soon, even if it no longer felt like home without Riza.

_Maybe it’s time? ___

____

____

 

 

Roy dressed quietly and slipped out of the room. He could hear the sound of indistinct voices coming from the kitchen. As he moved further down the hallway, he could recognise Chris and Vanessa’s voice. He caught his name and paused at the door. He sighed and shook his head. Chris and the girls were walking on eggshells around him. He didn't want to be treated like he was about to fall apart. It was suffocating. Being here. Everyone was watching over him, worrying about him. Most of all, he hated making them worry.

Roy turned the doorknob and entered the kitchen. The women’s heads turned.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Morning,” the women replied.

There was freshly brewed coffee on the table. He took a mug from the cupboard and sat down at the table. Chris filled his mug.

Vanessa leaned forward to look at him. “You don't look like slept much.”

“What is sleep?” Mid-yawn, he put his hand to his mouth. “I've forgotten.”

Chris sipped on her coffee. “Your baby girl has no such problems.”

“Milk and soiled nappies are all she has to worry about.”

“You really try and get some sleep.” Reaching across Vanessa patted his hand. “Let us take off the load a little.”

“Thanks.” Roy swallowed some unsweetened coffee. “I might take you up in that another time. Honestly, I couldn't sleep if I tried right now.” He frowned and turned to Chris. “Isn't it this weekend, you're going to Central for a few days?”

Vanessa and Chris looked at one another.

“What?”

“I'm not going,” Chris said. “It’s not a good time.”

Roy knew what she was really saying: it's not even been a week since the funeral. He was torn between been touched and exasperated at her concern. While he wasn't sure exactly how he would move forward, he knew he had to even if it was just a day at the time.

“You should go.”

She opened her mouth to speak.

Before she could say a word, he continued, “I won't have you putting off plans because of me.”

“Don’t be a fool, boy. You’re more important to me.”

“I’m coping,” he said. “Don’t worry about me. Besides the girls are here if I need them.”

He would be leaving here soon; he had to get used to doing things on his own.

Chris looked unconvinced. “If you're sure you're-”

He rolled his eyes. “I'm not a child, and it's just a few days.”

She blinked and raised her palms. “Fine - you win.”

_I've hurt her again._

“I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound ungrateful.” Roy rubbed at the back of his neck. “I know you mean well, but I need to stand on my own two feet. I can't do that if I'm relying on everybody else to keep me afloat. I have to do it for Beth, and for Riza.”

Chris’ expression softened. “Not to worry, Roy-boy, just don't be too proud to accept help.”

“I promise.”

“I’ll look after him,” Vanessa said, her eyes on Roy. “A slippery bastard like you, I'll have my work cut out for me, but I'm nothing if not relentless.”

Roy put his hand over his heart. “I’m wounded.”

She bopped him on the head with the newspaper she had been reading. “Here - take it.”

He grabbed the paper from her.

He noticed she was wearing one of her favourite blue dresses. “You look nice. Off anywhere nice?”

“Stanley is taking me to his parent’s lakehouse.”

Chris’ lip twitched. “Vanessa will be gone for the day and perhaps all night.”

Vanessa ignored the bait and.stood up. “Are you sure you don't want breakfast, Roy? Last chance before I leave.”

He shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”

She waved over her shoulder as she left the room. “You take care now.”

“Have a great time,” Roy called after her.

“I fully intend to,” she replied.

Roy turned to Chris. “It's nice to see her looking so happy. Have you met this Stanley fellow yet?”

She shook her head. “She's keeping him close to her chest.”

“She's probably better off keeping him away from this dysfunctional family.”

“Pfft - I wouldn't have us any other way.”

“Me either.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about going home. I think it's time.”

“Are you sure?” Her eyes widened. “You know you're welcome to stay here as long as you need.”

“I know.” Roy swallowed the dregs of his coffee. “Don't worry it's not going to be today or tomorrow, but soon.”

“I suppose I can't stop you with that Mustang stubbornness of yours.”

“It's not likely. I learned from the best.”

There was also the matter of returning to work, although that wasn't something that he was ready to think about just yet.

He opened the newspaper, but he was looking at it unseeingly. His mind was too distracted to focus.

He wasn't sure if he should go back when thought about his daughter. She had already lost one parent. Was it selfless or selfish to think about pursuing his goal of changing Amestris from the top? Still, he knew Grumman had only so much patience and it wasn't fair on the team to leave them in the lurch.

“Roy?”

Roy looked up at Chris’ words.

“You know my offer to help look after Beth when you go back to work still stands.”

_How did she do that? How did she read my mind?_

He leaned forward across the table to kiss Chris on the cheek.

She put her hand to her cheek. “What was that for?”

“Thank you for everything. Just remember that the next time I shoot my mouth off.”

She arched an eyebrow. “Roy-boy, that's a pretty regular occurrence.”

 

 

Chris left for Central despite her misgivings. Her business meetings went well and she caught up with a number of her former clientele and employees who remained in Central when she relocated to East City. On Monday, she had dinner with the Fuhrer in his residence.

“Thanks for having me,” Chris said.

“Not at all.” His spectacles slipped down his nose and he straightened them. “How is the little mite?”

“She’s doing great - getting bigger every day.”

“And Roy - how is he really?”

“Sad, but he's getting by. Elizabeth is the one thing that's getting him through.”

“You know I was speaking with him yesterday and told him he mightn't come back to work.”

Chris arched an eyebrow. “That's the first I heard of it.”

Grumman sighed. “I told him I need to know by the end of the month. I don't want to rush him, but there are a lot of other officers pressing for his position. I'll either have to split up the team or give them to another General.”

Forehead creased, she leaned forward. “I wish I could believe that he will leave the military, but I know Roy-Boy and he won't be able to stay away and trust others to make this country a better place.”

He twirled his moustache. “You're probably right, Chris, but I am worried about how he is going to raise a child on his own.”

“He isn't going to be on his own. He has me, and the girls see him as family, not to mention all of his friends.”

“I know all that, but senior officers don't have a lot of free time. He's got a lot of decisions to make - what will be best for that little girl.”

“Listen to me, old man, he has enough on his plate without you adding to it.”

“I don't mean to be cruel, Chris, but she’s my great granddaughter and want her to have the very best of everything.”

“What she needs more than anything is your love, so trying leaving your office sometime and come to visit her.”

Grumman sighed. “You’re right of course.”

 

 

Frowning Vanessa leaned against the door jamb watching Roy packing his and Elizabeth’s belongings. There was an open suitcase and several boxes on the bed.

“Roy, don't you think you should wait for Chris to come back tomorrow before you go.”

“I don't know if I'll go if I wait. She'll try to convince me to stay.”

“All the more reason to wait.”

Roy glared at her. “If I don't go home, how am I supposed to go back to work? It's not going to get any easier.”

“If you're sure.” Vanessa let out a sigh. “Let me get some food together, so at least you don't have to worry about that today.”

“Thanks Vanessa.”

Beth started to wail and Roy reluctantly dropped the clothes he was placing in his suitcase. He went to pick up his daughter from her cot.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you hungry, sweetheart?”

She calmed as her lay her against his shoulder. Looking at his pocket watch, he realised that it indeed was time for her bottle.

“Well, you have impeccable timing, because Daddy is almost finished packing.”

Fuery appeared in the doorway. “Sir, Vanessa let me in.”

“You’re early, Fuery. Thanks for helping me with my luggage.”

“No trouble. I can drive you both over in your car if you like.”

“Thanks Fuery,” Roy said. “My car keys are on the dresser. Would you mind packing my car while I get this little one fed?”

“No problem, sir. Just to let you know, I picked Black Hayate up from Havoc’s place. He’s waiting at the house. I dropped him there first.”

 

 

Roy’s heart ached at the sight of the house as they entered the driveway. This was meant to be where they were beginning the rest of their lives. He squeezed his eyes shut determined to keep it together. He fought the urge to tell Fuery to turn the car around and go back to his aunt’s bar.

Fuery stopped the car and glanced at Roy. “We can take as long as you like, sir.”

“No - we should just go in. Waiting isn’t going to help any.”

Fuery got out of the car, opened the passenger door for Roy, who muttered thanks and carried Beth to the door.

“I’ll get the luggage,” said Fuery.

Roy nodded at Fuery. He fumbled with his keys and crossed the threshold. There was an overwhelming smell of disinfectant. Clearly someone had been here and cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Hayate barked from the kitchen and came to greet them, his tail wagging.

Roy bent down to scratch his ears. “Hey boy. I missed you. I'm sorry I didn't get you sooner.”

Hayate licked his fingers and then ran around him in circles.

Roy smiled and scratched under his ears. “Come meet Beth.” He lowered Beth carefully allowing Hayate to smell her, but careful to keep safe. “She's going to be your favourite little person. I'm going to need you to help me look after her.”

Hayate barked and wagged his tail.

“I knew you’d agree, little fella.”

The dog’s head tilted and he looked towards the door, where Fuery had entered with Roy’s suitcase and the baby bag. His ears drooped.

Roy’s smile faded. “I miss her too, boy.”

Fuery cleared his throat and Roy turned to him.

The younger man’s eyes were teary behind his spectacles. “Sir - I - we all miss her.”

Roy straightened up. “I know. She meant a lot to many people.”

“I’ll just get the last few things,” Fuery said. “I expect you have a lot to do.”

“You can stay for some coffee if you like,” Roy offered.

“It's okay,” said the younger man. “You should probably sleep while you can-”

“I wish people would stop telling me to sleep.”

Wide-eyed Fuery said, “Uh -sorry.”

“No - I'm the one who’s sorry, Fuery. Thank you for your help today. I know I put you out.”

“There’s no need to thank me. It was least I could do.”

“Well - thank you all the same.”

 

**To be continued**


	10. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy struggles to settle back in the home he and Riza created. He wonders if it could ever be a home to him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I hope you all enjoy it.

**Chapter Nine**

While Fuery was there, Roy couldn't wait for him to leave, but the moment he was alone, he was overwhelmed by a fierce sense of loneliness. Everything had changed. His and Riza’s plans on how to raise their child had been scuppered. Now - he would have to do it all on his own.

He dropped onto the sofa and he put his face in his hands. Beth was sleeping in the corner of the room. He envied her peace. Hayate jumped up on the sofa beside him and climbed onto his lap.

“I'm glad you're here, boy.” Roy stroked the dog’s head. “What are we going to do without her, huh?.”

Roy stifled a sob. _Back all of five minutes, and I’m falling apart already._

Hayate whined and licked Roy’s face. He pushed the dog away gently and Hayate settled back in his lap. He took a deep breath and blinked away the tears in his eyes. It was easier when he had Beth in his arms and she was relying on him to look after her. But here in the quiet house, the home that he and Riza had made together, he couldn’t help but wonder if this building could ever be a home to him again. Riza was in the fabric of the curtain, the choice of furniture and memories of her were everywhere. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to think about her, but it was hard to function when his mind was full of her. He just wished he could have a moment longer, more time to show her how much she meant to him, to apologise for all the stupid things he had done, the ways in which he’d hurt her.

_I miss her._

Roy stood up and stretched. He needed to do something, a distraction from his thoughts. He checked on his sleeping daughter before he went to the bathroom intent on a long, hot shower before she woke up. Leaving the bathroom door ajar, he turned on the water setting it to the highest temperature before taking a towel and placing it on the rail. He undressed quickly as the room steamed up. He stepped into the shower and let the hot water spray over his body, easing his aching muscles but not the ever-present heaviness in his chest. There were some things that you couldn’t wash away.

Eventually, he left the shower and dried his body with the towel. He wrapped it around his waist and left the bathroom to go up the stairs. He stopped at the door to the bedroom and remember Riza’s anguished expression that night. His stomach lurched.

_What made me think this was a good idea? Coming back here._

He clenched his fists and set his jaw. This was his home. Riza would want him to come back here and raise Beth in the home they had made. He stepped into the room, he rummaged through the drawers ignoring the way his eyes stung. He took some fresh clothes from the drawer. All the clothes he brought back were in the laundry.

After dressing quickly, he returned to the living room. Beth was very quiet. A sick feeling in his stomach, he checked on his daughter and was relieved to see she was breathing and still sleeping soundly. He sighed and he pulled up her blanket which had come loose. 

The doorbell rang. Roy frowned, he hadn’t told anyone he was coming back to the house except for Fuery and the girls. He hadn’t even contacted Chris, although he was sure she was going to be pissed that he decided to go home while she was away. Perhaps he had left something behind or Vanessa was dropping some food.

He regretted his decision the moment he opened the door; An unfamiliar man and woman stood on the doorstep. The man had a camera and a woman held a notebook and pen to her chest. He was tempted to shut the door in their faces, but he didn’t want to be impolite.

“Can I help you?”

The woman spoke. “General Mustang, we’re very sorry to hear about your wife.”

Roy drew up his shoulders. “Thank you,” he said stiffly.

“We were hoping you could give us an interview.” She flashed a smile. “Our readers would really like to know how you are coping with this unimaginable tragedy.”

Roy’s expression darkened. _How dare they try and take advantage of his loss?_

“And a picture of the little one would an absolute cream on top of the cake,” the man added.

Roy shook his head. “I’m not interested. I’m sorry.”

He turned to close the door, but the woman put her foot in the door.

“General, think about it,” she pressed. “We’re not the only paper looking for an interview. Once you give the interview the interest will die down, and you can trust to deal with it -” she paused, “-delicately.”

Roy’s hand tighten on the door. “I’m sorry, I have no comment to make. Now, can you please leave?”

The woman sighed but moved her foot. “Sorry General, we didn’t mean to upset you.”

“This might be some news story to you,” Roy said, his voice cold as ice, “but I have to live it.”

A bright flash from the man’s camera was the last straw.

“Politeness be damned,” Roy gestured to their car which was parked behind his. “Get off my property! NOW”

The woman pulled at her colleague’s arm. “You idiot - did you have to do that?”

Roy snorted and stared hard at the pair. He waited until they got into their car and left before going back inside.

Beth was beginning to rouse when Roy returned. He picked up his fussing daughter and she quieted.

“Hey precious girl, did the vultures wake you?” He kissed her forehead. “Sorry about that.”

Hayate ran between his legs and barked.

Roy looked down. “Hayate is saying hello. He’s going to be your best friend.”

He lifted Beth up and sniffed her diaper. “Looks like you need to be changed.”

He secured her against his chest with one arm and grabbed her diaper bag with other. He laid her down on the sofa while he changed her.

He was struck again by how tiny she was. Her perfect little feet and hands. So small. So precious.

He never thought he would be able to feel so much sorrow and happiness at the same time.

* * *

Chris arrived at the station in good spirits after the weekend. She felt guilty about leaving while Roy was grieving, but he had insisted she should go. She knew he was worried about being a burden, but he could never be a burden to her. Still, she was worried about him.

She looked at her watch. Vanessa should be here soon. The train had come in earlier than expected.

Chris picked up the newspaper from a paper boy while she waited for Vanessa to pick her up from the train station. On the front page, Roy’s face stared back at her. Frowning, she read the accompanying article.

_Oh Roy._

“Madame,” a familiar voice called. “I hope you weren’t waiting too long.”

Chris looked up. “Ah, not to worry, Vanessa. I only just arrived.”

Vanessa grabbed Chris’ suitcase. “Good - I’ll take your suitcase.”

“Thanks,” Chris said. “I see my nephew moved back home while I was away.”

Vanessa shuffled her feet. “I suggested he wait, but you know how he gets.”

“Stubborn.” Chris handed Vanessa the newspaper. “Look!”

Vanessa’s eyes widened as she read the front page. “Dirty vultures.”

She shook her head and handed the paper back to Chris, who rolled up the paper and tucked it under her arm.

“Come on, Vanessa, let’s go home. I need some dinner, then I’m going over to Roy’s.”

* * *

Roy lifted his mug of coffee to his lips and savoured the bitter taste. The cup was halfway to his lips for a second sip when the doorbell rang. He got up from the sofa and opened the door.

“I’m moving in for a while.” Chris stood on the doorstep, an overnight bag in her hand. “I'm not taking no for an answer Roy-boy.”

Roy ran his fingers through his hair. “We're fine on our own. I can manage.” He rubbed the back of his neck and he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I have to learn to do this on my own, don't I?”

Chris stood her ground and simply raised an eyebrow. He sighed deeply and stepped aside knowing the battle was lost. She crossed the threshold before he could change his mind, dropped her bag and looked her nephew up and down.

She shook her head. “You're not taking care of yourself.”

He shut his eyes. “Please - just leave it, Chris.” He opened his eyes again.

She stared him down, hands on hips. “Have you been eating?”

Roy shrugged his shoulders.

She narrowed her eyes. “When was the last time you ate?”

“I don't know,” he said finally. “Maybe yesterday evening. Will you leave it now?”

She put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. “You've got to take care of yourself, kiddo. You look like a gale would blow you over.”

“I'm not hungry.”

“The fuck you aren't; you just don't realise it.”

Roy rolled his eyes.

“Punishing yourself won't do you or Elizabeth any good either, you know.”

“I'm not punishing myself,” he snapped. “I'm just not hungry!”

She put her hand on his shoulder, and he shrugged it away.

“I tried to call you, but your phone wasn’t working.”

“I had reporters around, and I disconnected the phone.”

“I know - I saw your picture in the newspaper.” Her eyes bored into his. “You don't need to bear this burden alone, Roy.”

He looked away and took a sharp intake of breath. “I know you’re trying to help.” 

“Of course, I don’t understand what you’re going through.”

He sighed. “I feel like I’m moving through a fog with no idea of where I'm going.”

“It's okay to need help, Roy-boy. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes, it's the hardest thing to do.”

“But you’ve done so much already for me.” He rubbed at his eyes “It might not seem like it all the time, but I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for us. I know I'm not the easiest of company right now.”

“You always were a fool, Roy Mustang. That’s what family does. Like you need to thank me.”

But he did, because of all his family and friend she was the one person that kept him standing through, let him borrow her strength.

“Come on into the living room, I know you’re dying to see Beth.”

Chris followed Roy into the room.

“She's sleeping?”

Roy nodded almost swaying on his feet. “Just went down. She might look like an angel now, but she was bawling her lungs out earlier. Didn’t sleep well last night either.”

He sat down on the sofa and picked up his mug.

Chris took a look at the cot and the little girl looked like one of those angelic cherubs in old paintings. Her hands itched to take her out and cuddle her. She looked surreptitiously at Roy. She had been worried before she arrived, and now she was even more so. He had dark bags under his red-rimmed eyes. He stank of stale sweat and his stubble was a few days old. She didn’t expect him to be okay, but he was closing in on himself. She couldn’t take his pain away, but she was going to help him whether he like it or not.

“Why don't you have some shut-eye? I'll make some dinner.”

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “I’m not a child.”

Her lips twitched despite herself. “Quit acting like one then and take some much-needed advice. I take it you have food in the house at least.” He nodded and she shoved him in the direction of the stairs. “I'm worried about you. Look if you won't do this for you, you need to do this for Beth.”

He stopped at the foot of the stairs. “I can't sleep in there. Not yet.”

“Oh Roy.” Her eyes softened. “Why don't you take a lie down on the sofa, I'll just fetch some blankets and a pillow.”

He opened his mouth and she thought he was about to protest for a moment.

“Fine.” His shoulders drooped. “I'll try, but I don't know if I can.

“I can make up the spare bedroom?

“I'll sleep here. You take the guest room.”

She watched him walk back into the living room and then she went in search of blankets. She walked up the stairs and peered into the guest bedroom. She grabbed the pillow from the head of the bed and a blanket that was folded at the foot of the bed. They smelled fresh enough. Satisfied, she went back downstairs.

When she arrived in the living room he was sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands. She put the blankets and the pillow beside him.

“Try and get some sleep Roy-boy. And take a shower afterwards. You stink!”

He silently took the pillow and laid down his head. She wished she could take away his pain, but there were some things that were impossible.

The cot was in the corner of the room and Chris couldn't resist taking another peek. The little girl was sleeping soundly. Her hair was jet black like her father's. Beth was going to be a handful if she turned out anything like Roy had been as a kid. She turned around to say as much, but Roy had already dozed off. The blanket was still on the sofa beside him.

She walked back over to the sofa and draped the blanket over him. “Sleep well, Roy-boy.”

She looked around the room and scrunched her nose. Roy might have a desk full of clutter when he was researching or in his office, but when it came to the rest of the house her nephew was usually a stickler. The fact that the house was like a tip was a sure sign that all was not well.

“No rest for the wicked,” she muttered to herself.

**To be continued**


	11. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy learns he can’t do everything on his own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who is following this story (and verse).  
> 
> A special thanks to my wonderful friend @cyphergemini for the beta. Also @tea-withjamandbread and @shijaeger who motivated me to get the chapter out. Finally, my dear friend @meiosis2 who drew my precious Beth as a surprise birthday gift.
> 
> I’m sorry for the wait. I hope it’s worth it. Misery is, unfortunately, necessary as grief is messy and painful. I hope you’ll stick it through because this story is hopeful (I think).
> 
>  

******Chapter Ten**

Roy opened his eyes a fraction. All he could see was the brown leather. He closed his eyes again, not quite ready to forgo his nap when he caught the delicious smell of cooking. His stomach grumbled.

 _Riza is cooking_ , he thought.

Smiling, he opened his eyes again and sat up. The cot in the corner. The photo frame on the mantelpiece. The vomit on his sleeve. His face fell, the sense of loss hit him all over again.

_Riza is gone. Beth lost her mother. We’re alone._

He pulled the cushion from behind his head, pressed his face into it and stifled a sob. Hayate climbed onto his lap and whimpered.

After a few moments of almost silent sobbing, he wiped his eyes and stood up. He crossed the room and reached for the wedding photo over the fireplace. They looked so happy back then, they thought they were finally going to have everything they had ever wanted. How wrong could they have been? He ran his thumb over Riza’s face. She wouldn’t like him ruining the glass, but then again she wasn’t here.

_How could she do that? Why didn’t she fight harder?_

He replaced the photo frame on the mantelpiece, guilt rising for being angry at her.

_Of course, she tried. She loved us. She would have given anything to be here._

His hands formed fists at his sides. He looked at the clock. It had been three hours since Chris had bullied him into having a nap. Beth must have slept right through, he turned to Beth’s cot in the corner of the room. He rushed over to the cot. His breath caught in his throat when he saw she wasn’t there.

“She’s just been fed,” a voice said from behind him.

He turned around. Chris stood in the doorway with Beth in her arms. Relieved he walked over to them and took Beth from her. He kissed the top of his daughter’s head.

“How did I not wake up when she cried? I always wake.”

Chris smiled. “She was whimpering and I picked her up right away. Besides, you’re exhausted and you only got a few hours.”

She pried Beth from his arms. “Now, go get a shower and shave that ridiculous fluff off your face. Your dinner's nearly ready.”

His stomach rumbled loudly. Chris laughed.

“See you’re hungry.”

Roy smiled. “You’re such a nag. You come into my house and take over.”

He made his way to the bathroom and examined his face in the mirror. He looked like hell, blotchy face and red eyes. It felt good to have somebody take over, but at the same time, he felt guilty for it. Beth was his responsibility. He was her father: he should be able to take care of her.

* * *

 

 

Roy felt more human after his shower. He brushed his wet hair off his face and changed into the clothes that Chris had left for him by the door. He wasn’t thinking straight; He could only focus on one job at a time. He brushed his teeth and gargled some mouthwash. He tossed his dirty clothes into the laundry basket before he left the bathroom.

The mouthwatering smell of stew greeted him when he entered the kitchen. Chris was standing at the sink washing up. Beth was lying in the pram which Chris had brought into the room. Roy went to scoop her up into his arms.

Chris smacked him with the tea towel. “Eat first. She’s perfectly happy at the moment. She has a full belly and a clean diaper.”

Roy sat down at the table. “You brought down the pram from the nursery?”

She glanced over her shoulder. “I thought we might go out for a walk later, and the pram was easier to move than the cot.”

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to leave the house especially if there were any reporters sniffing about, but he reasoned he would have to leave the house with Beth sometime.

“I suppose.”

“We could go for a walk around the lake and then stop at the local corner store on the way back.”

Roy tucked into the stew. He shovelled it into his mouth, barely tasting it. Now that he had food in front of him, he realised he was famished. Chris was watching him, an eyebrow raised.

“Thanks, Chris, that was delicious,” he said once he finished, “I guess I was hungry after all.”

“You should know by now that I am always right. Seconds?”

“Thanks! “ He nodded and held out his plate to her. “How did you do all this? I’m barely coping.”

She took his plate. “Roy, you’re dealing with this every day on your own.” She filled his plate and handed it back to him. “Of course, you’re overwhelmed.”

Roy sighed.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” She picked up Beth, who had begun to whimper, and sat in the chair across from Roy. “I was talking to Grumman during my trip.”

Roy grunted. “Please don’t - I’m not in the humour to talk about him.”

“Fair enough.” She shrugged her shoulders. “But don’t let him rush you into any decisions. I told him he was being a heartless bastard when he told me he was pressing you to go back to work.”

“Maybe - but he has a point.” He put down his knife and fork. “There’s a lot to think about but right now I can’t imagine going back into that office. It’s not fair on the team.” He held his hands out to take Beth. “Just because you’ve moved in doesn’t mean you get to monopolise this little one.”

“Heaven forbid, you won’t let anybody near her.”

Roy rested her against his chest. “Hello, my princess.” He looked over at  Chris. “She looks like Riza, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know, I see a lot of you in her.”

“Well she has my colouring,” he conceded, “but her nose is all Riza.”

* * *

 

Chris watched her nephew and his daughter. He looked a lot more relaxed after the sleep and shower. She managed to tidy up the kitchen and the downstairs area in between cooking and feeding Beth. She was certain she made the right decision to move in for a while. Her stubborn nephew was too proud to admit he needed help. She wasn’t going to give him an out. He needed her and all his friends if he was going to raise his daughter by himself. Beth and Roy needed their family. It was hard enough for her when she had to take on a precocious, grieving kid, she couldn’t imagine how much harder it was for Roy raising his daughter without Riza.

“I wish you’d stop staring at me.”

She tensed at his words.

Roy looked up. “I haven’t grown a third head, have I?”

The tension in her shoulders dissipated. “Well, now that you say it.” She stood up, squeezing Roy’s shoulder as she passed. “I’m going to make us some tea.”

“Mmm - is that apple pie I smell?”

Chris smiled and put some water on to boil. “Vanessa insisted I bring some.”

“Are you trying to fatten me up?”

“Roy, you could definitely do with some more meat on your bones.” Chris turned around and leaned back against the sink. “Besides, you upset Vanessa with your abrupt departure and you know how much she bakes when she’s stressed.”

“I just couldn’t stay there any longer,” he said. “I didn’t mean to upset anyone.”

The kettle whistled and she turned around. She wiped at her eyes surreptitiously. “I know you didn’t but we can’t help worrying about you.”

Roy didn’t reply and she didn’t press him further. It was unfair to put her own expectations on him. He had more than enough in his own to bear.

She poured the tea and brought it over to the table. Beth was dozing in Roy’s arms.

“You should put her down,” she whispered, “or she’s never going to get used to sleeping on her own.”

She thought she saw a flicker of annoyance in Roy’s face but it was fleeting.

* * *

 

 

Roy stood up and walked over to the pram. 

He laid his daughter down gently, his lips brushing her head. “Sleep well, Beth.” He turned to Chris who was sipping her tea. “I’ll take her into the living room.”

As he pushed the pram into the living room, he wondered about Chris’ stay. He still didn’t think he could sleep in his bedroom. He knew it was entirely irrational but the thought caused his stomach to feel queasy. He swallowed the lump building in his throat.

Entering the living room, he pushed the pram into the corner beside the cot.

He tucked the blanket around her lower body.

“Daddy loves you,” he whispered.

Before they converted the nursery, there was a single bed in the room. If the bed was still there, he would be able to sleep in there with Beth until he was ready to move back into the bedroom. The bed was in storage. He decided to get the storage company on the phone and get them to deliver the bed.

* * *

 

 

When Roy returned to the kitchen, Chris stood up.

“Sit down,” he ordered, “I’ll cut the apple pie.”

“Thanks, Roy.”

Hayate was sitting by Roy’s chair. He barely left Roy out of his sight she noticed; he followed him everywhere. She wasn’t certain if the dog was afraid of being abandoned or he could sense the grief pouring out of Roy. She suspected it was the latter. She rubbed Hayate’s ears before she sat back down.

She just wished that Grumman was more involved. If he was, he would probably go a little easier on Roy. That pressure was the last thing he needed right now, but she could understand that Grumman had a job to do.

Roy returned to the table with two plates of apple pie and sat down opposite her.

“I’ve had an idea about our living arrangements as I can’t imagine you intend on leaving anytime soon.”

“I’m glad you’re resigned to it,” she teased. “So, what’s your idea?”

“I’m going to get the storage company to deliver the single bed that we put in storage. That way I can sleep in the nursery.”

“Oh - that’s a good idea.” She leaned across the table and patted his arm. “Whenever you’re ready to move back in, just know that the mattress has been replaced.”

“Replaced?”

“Havoc and Rebecca cleaned it up, top to bottom. Well, they had to get rid of the mattress considering…”

Roy paused mid-bite and put down his fork. Chris cursed her inappropriate timing. She was saved from having to say anything else by the ring of the doorbell, then another, then another.

Roy’s face was like a thundercloud. “Who the hell is that? You’d think they would have enough manners to wait for the door to be answered. They’ll wake Beth.”

Chris stood up. “I’ll get that.”

Roy sighed. “It’s probably the press again.”

The doorbell rang for the fourth time and she ran to the door. She was sure Roy was right. Who else would be obnoxiously ringing the doorbell like that?

“Will you just calm down?” Chris griped as she ran. “I’m coming.”

She heard a small cry from Beth in the living room. Chris was contemplating picking up Beth when Roy passed her by.

Chris opened the door; Rebecca Catalina and Jean Havoc were standing on the doorstep.

“Oh thank goodness you’re here, Roy wasn’t answering the phone and we were worried.”

“He’s as well as could be expected given the circumstances.” Chris arched an eyebrow. “The baby is trying to sleep, you might want to think about that the next time you come ringing the doorbell like a crazy woman.”

Rebecca blushed. “Sorry, we were worried.”

“I told her to stop,” Havoc interjected.

Chris sent him a sharp look. “You didn’t do a good job then.” Her expression softened. “You’re here, so you might as well come inside.”

* * *

 

 

Roy picked up his little girl to soothe her. In the books, it said you should let your baby cry a little, but he couldn’t bear to ignore her cries. She calmed down as he rocked her in his arms. He heard familiar voices in the hall. His heart sank. He still wasn’t feeling up to being sociable. He listened hoping Chris would send Rebecca and Havoc away, but he heard them enter. He glared at his aunt when he was sure the pair weren’t looking his way. Chris shrugged her shoulders.

Rebecca crossed her arms. “We were worried sick. Why aren't you answering your phone?”

“Press,” Chris interjected. “They were harassing him over the weekend.”

Jean nodded. “We saw - some people would do anything to make a quick buck.”

Rebecca circled Beth and Roy. “Let me cuddle her.”

“I think you’ve done enough,” Roy said cooly, “I’d just put her down when you two woke her up.”

He knew he was being a little harsh.

Rebecca opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it when Beth started to cry again.

“Shush, sweetheart,” he crooned.

Chris gestured for the two visitors to follow her. “Let’s leave Roy put the baby down and we’ll have a cup of tea.”

Roy smiled at Chris grateful for the reprieve as Rebecca and Havoc left the room.

When Beth had quietened down again, he put her back in the pram and tried to rock her to sleep. She cried louder until he picked her up again. He put her against his chest to see if his heartbeat would calm her and help put her to sleep. After a few minutes of pacing around the room and rocking her, she went to sleep. He sighed in relief, but he didn’t dare put her down right away. He waited for a few minutes before putting her back in the pram.

Roy joined the others in the kitchen as soon as he dared. They went silent as he entered.

Chris smiled and gestured for him to sit. “There’s a fresh pot of tea, Roy.”

“Thanks, Chris.” He poured a mug of tea. Then he turned to Rebecca and Jean. “Sorry about all the noise.”

“She’s got a strong pair of lungs,” Havoc commented.

Chris threw her head back and laughed. “That’s for sure, I guess she’s preparing to keep him in line just like her mother.”

Rebecca smiled at that. “Riza would like that.” She put her hand to her mouth and looked over at Roy, who was smiling sadly.

“It’s alright to talk about her, I’m not going to fall apart if you do.” He sighed and held out his hand to her. “I guess I owe you an apology for earlier.”

Rebecca took his hand and shook it briefly before dropping it. “We were worried about you, there was no need to be an asshole about it.”

Roy bit down on his tongue. She couldn’t even accept his apology gracefully.

He looked from Rebecca to Havoc. “Chris told me that you two replaced the mattress.”

“We did.”

“Thank you, I don’t think I could have done that.” He reached into his pocket automatically. Of course, his chequebook wasn’t there. ”How much do I owe you?”

Rebecca’s face turned a shade of puce. She stood up, eyes flashing.

“Roy Mustang! You're an idiot!”

Roy’s eyes widened.

“Excuse me,” he said icily.

“You heard me!”

Havoc put his hand on Rebecca’s arm. “Calm down,” he whispered.

She ripped her arm from his grip and advanced towards Roy. “We don't need your damn money.”

She poked him hard in the chest. “I didn’t do it for you. I'm doing everything I can to help you for Riza because she was my best friend.”

Roy just stared wordlessly at her.

She wiped at her eyes. “And she loved you. She really loved you. I never understood your relationship, but I know you loved her just as much.” She drew herself up and glared at him,  “So, you better suck it up, you pompous jerk, and let me help.”

Roy’s brittle mask crumbled and he broke down. Rebecca’s eyes widened and she stepped forward. Hayate growled at her, but she embraced Roy. Instead of pushing her away, he hugged her back as they cried together. It was easy to forget that he wasn’t the only one grieving. The door to the kitchen creaked. Roy caught a glimpse of Chris and Havoc leaving the room with Hayate.

“I think we’ve scared them away,” he said.

Rebecca gave him a watery chuckle. “They think the world is ended.”

“It kind of has,” Roy whispered. “I miss her, Rebecca.”

**To be continued...**

 

And there’s the misery for today.


End file.
